Memoirs of a psychopath 2

“O lost one, o lost in immensity! Short is the kiss of the gods, unexplained is the time and the compassion of the soul that mourns for you.”
Rainer Maria Rilke

...I would glimpse at the doormen, distorted by my polluted tears who with giant leaps, wearing black trousers and nodding head would give me “courage.” I couldn’t get enough of courage… but for I do not recognize courage, it would hit me where it hurts the most. The yellowish of the walls reminded me: I am cursed, cursed, cursed, cursed… I stared at myself like I was outside, like I was dead, but death did not need me either. I stared at myself as I would suck in air like it would be the last time. I looked into my eyes dilated from what is a BREAK.
The road walked in front of me and the doors opened in great pain, imprecise fear from the bold and sudden moves of the knot. My scrams, screams, the jerk of the famous “love” words, reminded me of ugliest face I ever saw myself in, in the memoir of a psychopath...
The closet shakes from the heavy weight of the numerous antidepressants; pills with distorted figures in them, pills of the color of amputated ivory of an elephant.
And them it came… rereading millions of papers, theme songs of a radio infected with the sick nightmares of made up love stories. Thin fingers of mine broke while I surrendered myself to the dream, left in half, a crippled, raped and killed soul. Infinitely you in infinite dialogues of high temperance, infinite cups of coffee or prolonged hours of lost sleep.
The farther you are the more I feel you. I would need another life to love you again, to love you right this time, to leave this feeling of incompleteness behind me. And I would still loose! Everyday a piece of your beautiful heaven fell in my heart and gave it an absurd rigidity. Remember hiding the phone under the pillow, erasing your name from every piece of paper, burning promises. Your disappearance!
Don’t know how it dawned, how it became daylight, how it rained, how sun, moon, mornings… don’t know how we talked again, how I pushed, kissed, spited. I missed you breath, the reaching out of warm days, the desire to be close to you.
Cheating on nights that I never slept, paradoxes of speeches that I read over till it all died in words, words, words…
I went on flames; I burned, burned in the greatest love of all, the love of absence. I left… homework of those who are called desirable became unwanted.
Now that I lost everything, now that I kicked away broken hearts, the world stares at me as to an orphan. You know how much I would like to smile to them as a response; I would like to appreciate their mercy. They look at my like Hail Mary looked while her son was crucifixed and then wrapped in the clothes of love.
For those who I stand; for those how I lost, for the feelings I will never get back. And today… today I find you again in a song dedicated to absence.
My breakdown; my own Trojan episode. All my life I would have stayed in your arms and I would have died on you touch; a drunk of romances.
And I lifted my head over the table of pills…in the clinic! And the nurse sat in front of me:
“Did you know? I am not worthy for this world!”