To be truthful,
It's not as if I am a creature of suicide.
I don't suffer under the tyranny
of over controlling guard eons
My breath moves exquisitely.
Fuel efficient, air conditioned rotations
Liberty, and heavy mealed shelter.
And the passion...
Hard and often.  Constant gratification.
...But these thoughts
they are dark, jagged branches
clawing against my skull.
A constant scratch, guiding me toward violence...
crooning me with chaos and
destroying me with death.


...
It has been staring at me for hours
now
That cute little white bottle
filled with cylindrical medication
Nevermore, have I consumed
these thoughts with powdered elixirs
Suddenly now,
I cannot peel away.

This constant ringing in my ear
winds me up like a high strung toy.
With the repetitive failures
deferrals.  >..< Rageful responses
Aggressive disconnections.
The plastered professional image
weakens.
From playful
to grimace
and once again,
my gaze drifts to you.

Like a beacon down a dark alley,
placed inside the cube
curing those facial punctures..
I grabbed that noisy container 
like Johnny, confident in my chosen blade.
Smiling as a devious child,
on the perfect prank to come.

I consumed my mouth
from tonsil to teeth.
...Not exactly the squishy
sweet marshmallows
I usually spoil my tongue with.
Dry and chemically,
I look upon the faces around me...
60 some odd pills
taste bud lingerers.
And then I swallow them
all.
...Dry.
Until my throat denied
the elasticity.

I was choking like a toothless granny
trying to munch a nice
tough TBone.
I grabbed at my Monster
with fervor.
The cool effervescence
and calm drain made it smooth sailing
as I 'smiled and dialed.'

With the shift of digestion
I became
Euphoric.
My countenance was that
of a high hippie
riding on the clouds
Taking in my ambience,
this reverie slowly grew
hot and clammy
turning to sickness, as my stomach fed.

And I was lost in a spinning spiral 
as the ringing no longer came
from the headset I fell from.
They flew to me from every angle
worried looks and loud voices.
But they were silent to me.
I attempted to enjoy the picturesque scene,
but as they grabbed at me,
my body rejected the decision.
I threatened them,
but when I pulled out my butterfly...
startled and releasing
I sliced hard into the air.
Connecting with some, missing others.

Head first, back second
I slammed down.
There must be a fire...
it was raining sanguine fluid.
As my clothes soaked and my dizziness settled
I looked around in bliss
at the surrounding mayhem.

But my smile died, as the heaving entered.
Food
     bile
      blood
            guts!....
everything fled my being
projectile status.
I became...
a retched pile of filth
as my choice chose
to make a mess of me.

Chunder soaked carpets
and scarlet building skies
this selection had labeled me
unforgiven.
As my heart neared the end
of this unnatural roller coaster
I finally faded to the final act
of this show.....
my torpid body
    my mind an eternal slumber.
          my blood pumping core
now hushed.

I was the silent
calm
image of perfection
I had always strove
to become.....