Beneath the Mask

By Scarrzz

* * *

I awaken slowly, with tears in the corners of my eyes.

I don't remember my dreams,
but I'm quite certain it's better that way.

Even my subconscious has learned to hide.

Still, I don't open my eyes - I cannot bear to not see you beside me.

Instead I sink back into the emotions swirling inside my hollow chest cavity like a cross between Fujita's worst nightmare and the seventh level of Hell.

Deeper I go, into the dark, chaotic vortex insatiably consuming every true smile, every moment of peace before they can break the surface and shine through the windows of my soul.

Instead they are dragged through my vision as glimpses in the firelight.

A Lover.

A Friend.

In one instant, recognition; and in that same instant ripped away from me by the claws of a HellBeast born of my own dishonor.

The wind howls like a tortured animal, mourning beyond hopelessness.

I stand there transfixed by the oppressive darkness, confounded by the impossibility of it all.

This was not supposed to be my life.


Slowly I force my consciousness to the surface, trading one torment for another: the all-too-familiar emptiness of another day without your smile.

I dress myself automatically, force myself to take a breath, and pick up my practiced mask of pleasantness on the way out the door.

I go through the motions of life. I keep busy, smiling the half-smile that never quite reaches my eyes and holding up the barriers between this reality and the darker one inside.

"How Ya doin' today?"

They always choose that meaningless greeting. I hate that question. The irony is that if they knew, they most certainly would not ask.

Busy is good. I try not to touch anything on the inside but...

occasionally a stray thought will arc like lightning, seemingly from nowhere back into my memories, illuminating a picture of your perfect beauty, nude, wanting me, offering yourself to me.

My body jolts from the shock and if anyone has seen my reaction, they will ask, "Are you OK?"

My blinking response is always, "Uhh... Yeah. Same as always."

I can't wait to get away from them all and just be alone in my misery.

I exist in this dark reality, imprisoned by the mask, because no one wants to see my love for you.

I do not have the strength to wear it, and I cannot function at all without it.

So I paint over the cracks again tonight with my tears.

It has to be ready in the morning.

Unauthorized Copying Is Prohibited. Ask the author first.
© 2008 Scarrzz
Published on Saturday, April 21, 2018.     Filed under: "Personal" and "Poetry"

Author's Note:

This was how I survived.
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Comments on "Beneath the Mask"

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  • A former member wrote: So moving, i have been there and the pain, there is no words to describe that kind of pain.. Very slowly and tasking that pain is becoming a dull edge,,, Only when i dont think of him... I have rathered died than live with out him,; Tho he lives and lives on.. Thank you Scarrzz for writing this... I couldnt have said better,, I still wonder does or will the pain ever go away? Peace..

  • Scarrzz On Tuesday, January 10, 2012, Scarrzz (238)By person wrote:

    As for myself, the pain never goes away, but it diminishes as emotion is avoided. I suppose it's like dying inside. It doesn't hurt as much when you don't allow yourself to feel anything. Not an elegant solution, but in some cases, the only one available, at least so far. * * * In my case, after five years of being alone, I finally learned to take some joy in small things. It's a crime of waste to have this love and not be able to give it, but at least I know it's real, even if it has killed me. I know it when I shut everything else down and allow myself on occasion to think of her, just for a moment. Too long and I will break myself again, but for just a moment I can still feel love. * * * That isn't to say I don't think of her every few minutes in addition to continually feeling the emptiness inside, but I don't let the deep emotions overwhelm me. Perhaps you would enjoy reading my little treatise entitled "What is Love?" I'd be interested to hear what you think of my perceptions there. * Thanks much for the comment. Scholar

  • Scarrzz On Wednesday, November 4, 2009, Scarrzz (238)By person wrote:

    Comments from the DP contest 10/09: Scholar

  • Scarrzz On Wednesday, November 4, 2009, Scarrzz (238)By person wrote:

    Re: Beneath the Mask Postby UnrequitedDream » Tue Oct 20, 2009 5:29 pm I love this! I have read some others of your work, and I think you are amazing! Such an inspirational writer! i love how i can get really deep into your words! Scholar

  • Scarrzz On Wednesday, November 4, 2009, Scarrzz (238)By person wrote:

    Re: Beneath the Mask Postby GrandaddyBonegrinder » Tue Oct 06, 2009 5:40 am Excellent write! This poem flows so freely... like blood from a freshly opened wound. Your sad poem makes me wonder how many other people out there in this cold world show only their mask... not their true emotions; perhaps more than we wish to imagine. You get a vote from me... this rocks! GB Scholar

  • Scarrzz On Wednesday, November 4, 2009, Scarrzz (238)By person wrote:

    Re: Beneath the Mask Postby Lylani » Mon Sep 21, 2009 4:20 am The pain you've written here is so familiar and so vividly expressed and inescapable, the line "This was not supposed to be my life." really hit me Scholar

  • Scarrzz On Wednesday, November 4, 2009, Scarrzz (238)By person wrote:

    Re: Beneath the Mask Postby CjPsychotic » Wed Sep 16, 2009 3:38 pm I'm more of a deeply abstract type when it comes to serious poetry but you could have just changed my mind. Jaw dropping awe is what you've caused...and without all the perforated frills involved in alot of other works. You got my vote...simply amazing. Scholar

  • Scarrzz On Wednesday, November 4, 2009, Scarrzz (238)By person wrote:

    Re: Beneath the Mask Postby Eclipsed Moon » Mon Sep 14, 2009 6:40 pm * * * aww scarrzz honey no. though i know how that feels. you get used to the shocks. dying inside helps. buuuut, i dont recommend that Scholar

  • Scarrzz On Wednesday, November 4, 2009, Scarrzz (238)By person wrote:

    Re: Beneath the Mask Postby Alanarchy » Mon Sep 14, 2009 11:52 am Good lord. Been a long time since a poem has hit me so hard. Scholar

  • Riven Waker On Tuesday, November 3, 2009, Riven Waker (323)By person wrote:

    elegantly structured - it saves the beauty of all this pain - extremely well done

  • A former member wrote: I really like this. Very well expressed. I know exactly how you feel.

  • A former member wrote: I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, you already know what I want to say so I won't say it anymore. instead,.....*boinks*

  • Scarrzz On Wednesday, November 12, 2008, Scarrzz (238)By person wrote:

    Use a bigger hammer, MoonGirl. How can you make yourself stop loving someone when it isn't an infatuation, or even a desire, it's just me, my inner being. I've let go. I'm not holding on, she just lives inside me now. Scholar

  • A former member wrote: *boink boink boink* ive told you that before as well. geez, theers no reason to love someone if they dont love you back. thats just a huge waste. you know what, im just gonna let you live or die as you are. no point in telling the deaf to listen to me when they have there eye on a prize that was never meant to be theirs. Scholar

  • Scarrzz On Friday, November 14, 2008, Scarrzz (238)By person wrote:

    I'd have to fully disagree. when you really love someone, you don't need a reason, you just do. Love doesn't require anything in return. What you are describing is a need or a want, not love. The majority of people get these two confused, using the word Love far too often. When they say, " I love you" they mean, "I want you to make me happy" or " I want you to fill this need I have." True love is not a balance sheet, and doesn't require anything in return, even though when each cares for the other's needs out of love, it will grow into the full measure of what love SHOULD mean. Scholar

  • A former member wrote: no doubt... say what they mean but not what they want... but isn't there a balance sheet in a relationship; love may not be one, but surely the reality of continuing to build the dyad (as communication/sociologists would call it) among the real obligations and pressures of living... that results in a bit of record keeping... the work of love is no easy chore, and everyone's gotta pull his/her own weight. As long as her becoming a part of you is making you stronger, then I'm all for it... but if it is obstructing your own happiness, then I'd say something's gotta be done. Hope all is well, m'man. Scholar

  • A former member wrote: but loving her is killing you? what the fuck good does that do? gah, talkin to a deaf man again. >_< Scholar

  • A former member wrote: painfully expressed the day-in-day-out routine we force ourselves to 'smile and wave' thru, but its all because they would never understand even if we showed them what we hold tucked close to our side and under our painted on smiles ~Rain beautifully written as always, ~Rain Scholar

  • Sketso On Saturday, November 8, 2008, Sketso (436)By person wrote:

    "how ya doing today?" - LOL. Just once, I'd like to truthfully tell them... let them see. But then... perhaps they'd leave me alone to wallow in the muck 'til I suffocate. Bravo for this personal revelation, bro.

  • j-rod On Thursday, November 6, 2008, j-rod (14)By person wrote:

    Wow. That was amazing. Powerful and smoothe... You, my friend, are awesome.

  • Leith Plunkett On Thursday, November 6, 2008, Leith Plunkett (239)By person wrote:

    This is hauntingly beautiful. Those last 2 lines are breathtaking. So much pain but so much love in these words. Beautifully captured

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