Sometimes, Unexpectedly,

I will reach inside

Feeling for you

You are always and never near me,

In me,

Surrounding me.

You are the best part of me.

It is a connection like a live current flowing through me.

That connection is the source

The source of my strength, and the source of my peace.

But then when I reach inside,

Wanting more than anything to feel you,

I touch a memory - and I realize

That is all I can ever reach.

Then the scream rises from my bowels.

Soundless at first, the unspeakable anguish of a forsaken Soul

Condemned to a life of empty arms and a memory of the hope of True Love.

But the desperation and futility overwhelm me

And I cannot contain it.

It is a gutteral sound of a wild creature

Loud, Desperate, Unrelenting, and Utterly Hopeless

From the center of my being

As far as I can see or feel

The whole world is on fire

Then when my breath is gone

And my fists are bleeding from beating at the ground

I pray

OH MY GOD NO

Please NO

Don't let this be real.

I love her.

GOD DON'T YOU SEE I LOVE HER

OH GOD KILL ME OR HELP ME

please

I miss you

I love you