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Rough Night
By Scarrzz
-----------------------------------------
It's
a rough night.
It's around 4 AM on April 29th.
I
just held my Tiger for an hour sitting on the floor in the bathroom. He
had an insulin reaction, even though his shot was only 2/3 what it usually
is. He hardly ate at all today, even though I gave him subqutaneous fluids
and offered him his favorite CatSure meal replacement milk (it's easier
to drink than eat) with a touch of Nestle's chocolate. The vet said there
isn't enough chocolate in it to hurt him in tiny amounts. Heck, I would
give him anything I had if he wanted it.
Trouble is, he doesn't.
He wasn't strong enough to complain when I gave him some NutriCal,
which is made to bring up a cat's blood sugar level quickly. It does take
hold pretty fast, and when he seemed a little stronger, I went and got
him a bit more CatSure, and he drank about half as much as usual for him.
Last week for the first time ever, he peed in the bed. I
was afraid it was a sign of things to come. Totally not his fault. Just
in the past month his hips have gotten worse, and he sometimes falls over
from the back end. He's lost almost all of his muscle. He just couldn't
push his way out from under the covers to get to his litter box. I have
to steady him and move his back legs apart while he stands in the box
to pee.
I haven't cried tonight until now. He is my most
faithful friend for the past 20 years. Always loves my touch. Still purrs
when I put my face next to him. It squeaks some now.
It wrings out
what little is left of my soul.
He is dying of diabetes and
old age. No cat could ever mean more to anyone. Few people are loved so
much. I have proved that love to him every day that we were together.
I took him out into the sunshine and laid on the concrete with
him this afternoon. We communed, and I loved on him.
He is
at the point where I can probably prolong his life for a few weeks by
careful, frequent feedings, fluids, laxatives, and helping him to pee
and poop. He can't push that out by himself either. At least I can if
I make good guesses about how much insulin he needs.
I know
our happy times together are pretty much used up. He has been there for
me SO many times when no one else was. He doesn’t seem to be in pain,
except when he tries to walk. I mostly carry him from place to place
as he uses cat-telepathy to let me know what he wants.
Last
week I left him sleeping under a fleece in the waterbed, which now has
a special towel-bed with a plastic liner underneath. The waterbed is warm
and soft. I was making supper and I heard “Thunk-Thunk-Thunk-Thunk-Thunk-Thunk-Thunk-Thunk.
He made it from the waterbed to the stairs and made a (semi) controlled
fall with the front legs which still work fairly well – to be with me.
I dutifully made him a bed in the kitchen and he stayed with me there
until it was couch time.
I know it’s way past sunset, and
the light is fading. Should I choose when to say goodbye? What is best
for him? This time, I don’t know if I have the strength to let go.
It isn’t my strong suit anyway.
*
Unauthorized Copying Is Prohibited.
Ask the author first.
Copyright 2010 Scarrzz
Comments on "Rough Night"
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On Friday, May 14, 2010, Qurious
(40)
wrote:
I actually really teared up when I read this. Making the decision to prolong the quantity of someone's life or not, be it a person or a pet, is the toughest thing you will ever have to do. Sadly, it has been people I have had to deal with to this point. Thankfully, my ex has my dog and I won't ever have to face that with her. You had 20 great years with him...hold onto those memories. Hugs buddy.
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On Friday, April 30, 2010, Scarrzz
(235) wrote:
I took him to the Vet when they opened this morning. He was so weak he couldn't stand. They mostly stabilized him with IV fluids, but when they got the blood work back, my Boy's kidney function was completely shut down, and the liver was almost as bad. His values were at the edge or off the chart. Systemic failure. He looked a little stronger when I got to him in the afternoon, but the Vet said he could go at any time, and that he wouldn't make it more than a day or two at most even with a continuous IV drip. The toxins were building up too much, and he would only feel worse with every passing hour. Still, when i put my head in the cage, he purred. He looked at me with love, as always, but also with such tiredness. He expected Dad to make it better, like before. I'll never have children I suppose. I always call him, "Daddy's Tiger Boy." I wanted to bring him home for one more night. I still want him here. But he isn't. I loved on him for another hour, but finally realized I was being selfish to want one more night, when he has given me 20 years of love. I told them to stop his descent before he got even worse again. It was the second hardest thing I've ever done. It was like a cloud of unreality was in the room. He needed me to make it better, and this was the only "better" left. I love my Tiger. I wish he was a kitten with me again. Such times we had.
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A former member wrote:
That's a difficult and personal decision.... only you can decide what ought to be done. I don't think you can go wrong when you've done so much already.... cats do not go gently. good luck, man.
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