there was a time- if I recall
that this thing call loved. had an unconditional quality to it
when applied to certain people. or a certain way.

I've always heard that when you have a child
there was caring- there was undeniable love that was impossible to avoid
all problems ceased to exist when you heard their laughter
and all other triumphs were quickly put on hold

I remember, more than once- hearing from you a line or two
telling me that it's ok. that you were back- and nothing would be how it was
that you were going to be that [father] that I never had
and that my pain was your pain-

I wonder if you're dying with me today.

and I wonder if you've ever noticed how I cry at night- sometimes
or if you've ever read any of the letters that I have hidden in my notebooks
but then I remember- you've never been here
so of course you wouldn't know anything about me.

and sometimes I try to imagine- what it would be like
to have you here. so you could calm these shaking hands
hand me a tissue to wipe away these tears- tell me it's ok. it's never fucking ok
and you've never fucking been like that
you've always been everything to me
and it hurts knowing I'm completely nothing to you

do you remember the first time I met you?- I was five
I still have the picture on my wall. and damn did we look so happy
like an actualy family. me on your knee
and a smile on your face that actually looked sincere

and god damn do you remember anything about me at all?
like the time I was in the hospital- you know. they didn't think I'd live
and you were in another state- with some woman that no one knew

do you remember graduation? the one night that I wanted you there.
I wanted to show you that I was someone- I had done something
and you promised. you promised that you'd fucking be there

yet I drove home alone that night.

and do you remember the last time we spoke?
when I was waiting for an 'I love you son' or at least a hint at being a father
yet all I got was you telling me you couldn't give me any money
as if anything material really matters

do you remember when I finally had enough?
that day that it went too far- and everything between us was gone.

oh yea- it was today.


if one thing about me sticks in your memory-
if one thing about me stays with you for the rest of your life
let it be this.

I've given you enough chances- and you've ruined them all
so the only thing I have to say to you will not be 'I love you' and I will not call you dad
I will simply turn away.

you're not even worthy of a 'fuck you'