Cupids arrow, kill me quick

I am jaded at 23 and I'll let the smog of depression lift
Like a spooked horse, it won't be easy to make me try
I am starting to love again
The tentacles of this thought progress swim through the orchestra of my mind
Put the violins down, it is the harps turn yet again
no more sax, try the flute
The turning of pages alert me to this new melody
the melancholy musings make way for lofty notions
Like a teen scribbling her name and his
calling herself Mrs. What's-her-face
Stars, hearts and rainbows
Yet this pumping organ in my chest hesitates
It is slow to trust
As I should have taken it's heed many times before
But a fool rushes in
and I am a giddy fool
Questions elbow there way into my thoughts
just more shit to sort
More pressing are the feelings I have
and whether this counterpart could feel like this as well
survey says- no
but then again survey can't agree on anything
and often leans on the side of err
just in case
A happy surprise if he loves me
no new disappointment if he doesn't
if you never get your hopes up you can never be let down
but secretly I think my hopes are up
I can deny it to myself all I want
it won't change the fact
A lover is a thing that is always in question
being in the state of loving only makes one ask more
Why does the most perfect person have to live a country or two away?
Simple: God hates lovers
He is everything that I have ever dreamt
He is everything I can never be
He is, he is probably asking himself why he ever got involved with me
I love everything about him
I have this fear that he will break my heart.
And I will love the way he does it
The only reason I can function is the sedative reggae pumping into my ears
thank you for the medication
tears well and spill into the apples of my cheeks
the planes of my face are now wet with my eyes precipitation
Why do I have to love you?
My heart tries to hold me back
It uses soothing words and bracing hugs
but I see her tears she tries to hide so well
My heart is the mother of my thoughts
She gives birth to them so easily and without compensation
I am the sole proprietor of these thoughts and feelings
and for some reason he gets all the profit
All he has to do is look into my eyes and I can see his adoration
He says things as whims
like he wants to make me happy for decades
or that he may be leaving but his heart is still here with me
He melts in the amber light of my eyes
or my sweet lips leave him speechless
He reads my face so well
I dream of him and wake up with tears staining my pillowcase
I can't believe I'm letting myself love
I have tried so hard to be unmoving
A tender heart with thick amour
But he has found the chinks in it
And he didn't even realize I was so heavily defended
I want to stroke his face and look into his stormy steel blue eyes
kiss his face and fluff his beard
bite his neck....he hates that
I miss his teeth against my neck and his breath creeping up my spine
his tongue in my mouth..
His hand, innocently stroking my flesh, just to feel my soft skin
To hear him speak, I get caught in the cadence of his words
An ocean of tears, and now my throat has tensed up from it
I miss him so much.
Does he miss me as well?