Apart of my heart is missing
the only thing to take it's place would be utter and irreversible
pure, enhanced joy
I would be swirling in a never ending vortex of happy delirium
Crazed with over exhilarating bliss
brimming, to the edge, like an over filled glass of radiant exuberance
to be that overpowering sort of happy
my deepest dream come true
this is not the sort of world where those things happen
But I wish for them all the same
Like a player without any useful lines I am a filler to a unsaitable meal
I make pretty faces and say quaint polite niceties
and forever forgotten next the main characters
to be an understudy in my own life
Understudies aren't given happiness at the ending
They only get arm loads of refuse
I trudge around with a junkyard on my back
and all I hear is "Hey, can you take this too?"
I have everyones unwanted things
piles of ex's, abandoned privileges and responsibilities
Not one iota of bliss
they pick there undesirables clean of it
"Oh, wait, There's some joy left in that, there got it, you can take it now."
I want to drop this pile and walk away
I never remember agreeing to this
I want to salvage for happy moments,
unexpected glances and intriguing encounters where I reap the benefits
But ever time I go to lie the heap down
I get stern looks and straight lined mouths
as if they want to say" that doesn't go there"
Disappointment is in there eyes and my pride is reduced yet again
I look and dig for cast of smiles and whispered giggles
knowing that no matter how many I find they will never fill me
I beg for just once, someone to stop and engage in a conversation where my thoughts matter
and my every word is as filling to them as it is to me
a smile will appear on my face and we can feed each other with those smiles.
I could be an understudy no longer and take center stage at last.
but I fear that is not the role I've been cast.
typecast more or less.
It doesn't change the fact that I yearn for happiness
which in turn doesn't change the fact that I haven't found happiness yet.