I'm Happy

All I have to say is…


…nothing. There is no measure. I, great appreciator of words, find no one word; not even a combination of words, am I able to muster.

I open my mouth to tell him how I feel and how much I needed/wanted/waited, but I can only sigh, sometimes giggle, and ALWAYS look away…
(feeling relief. certain Belief. calm Serenity…
Like a terminally ill person finally come to terms
with their upcoming change in venue)
Not because my feelings are insincere; but because- I mean it so hard even I fear the intensity in my eyes---
The epic-ness, the fucking take-my-shoes-off+spin-in-circles-in-the-just-cut-grass+speeding-on-the-highway-with-no-brakes+Big-Roller-Coaster-style-stomach-flip…
Find God+Find Faith
find-20-bucks-on-the-ground-and-no-owner-to-be-found+Give-it-to-a-nomad+ Because I have everything that matters and have happily forsaken all that I already had.

I could go on
FOREVER
I’d still never scratch the surface…

Predictive Text Digital Analog
thinking
Sticker-bush slouching,
across the room winking
Deep Dump Diving
-on each other’s love thriving

Hiding behind our hair,
Disregarding anyone else there…
Telling Wendy she sucks and not even care
because I’d much rather lay my head on
his promise-land chest and for the first time ever
Rest.

Wounds, that all the years since infliction bled,
Dry up.
He’s like a scab for my soul
-a tarp that covers the gaping hole.







my lover
my best friend
the trampoline at the bottom
of a sky scraper
An iron-lung
my
self-respect saver.
An unexpected beginning
at the certain seeming end…


I wish I could show him
-telepathically tell him how much I….AHHHH!!!
(love him; respect him; feel like I connect with him)

inhale exhale inhale ¬exhale

inhale….Fairytale.

He may never believe, BUT REGARDLESS,
he’s my reprieve. (shhh!!! >>> I’d be a martyr if HE were the cause.)
All I’ve ever wanted is a love like this
-to be loved like this and to be able to love like this
I wonder if he knows how much it means to me -for me-
to trust enough to give myself
bare-exposed-eyes wide open…
As a child myself, my trust, my will were taken. Stolen before I ever even knew it existed.
but
By now, I’ve found myself
rebuilt
and to be able to give myself (true, blind-trust and all) because I want to…it’s

Nirvana? Utopia? yeah…

I honestly didn’t think I’d ever feel anything more completely than my own belief in what I was told I didn’t deserve(love,connection,bonded) until I felt this.
I suppose it’s called
happy.

I sigh and cry
I’m happy.

~Johnnie my Angel~