After Darkness

Push me away-pull me back

You’ve always expected me to pick up

the slack.

I don’t know what to say

or what to do.

I can’t decide whether

to love or hate you.

For too many years

you’ve made me want to die.

I couldn’t even begin to count

the tears I’ve cried.

Oceans and oceans of salty misery

is all you’ve ever given me

other than a repressed memory.

You’ve said you were sorry

I tried to forgive

really, I did.

But night after night

I lay awake, trying to forget

I cry, frustrated it hasn’t happened yet.

Your methods of abuse are etched in my soul

Odd-since all it is is a black hole

I sometimes laugh when I think

of how I used to hide your belt

Hoping in vain to ease the pain I felt.

Even in my dreams-I hear your screams

repeating “Justine”

trying to run would be useless

Easier to save face

-allow my mind to float off into space,

Remember that when I’m 18

I’ll get out of this place.

I used to wish that if I closed my eyes

-the world would stand still

and If I held my breath for long enough

that none of it would be real.

I remember when I stopped feeling

and how angry you were that I wouldn’t cry

and gone was my flinch,

even when I knew that I could die.

I felt ready because of you

such a lack of emotion (numbness grew)

From then on we both knew

that you couldn’t hurt me anymore,

It’s true that my body was still sore

and it still hurt my feelings when you called me a whore

but the next few years went fast

and I just sat around and waited for time to pass

Because after darkness

there must be light.

So someday,

I’ll be alright.