smiling into the darkness

meeting for a late dinner in the city
deep in midtown
covered by the seasonal canopy
that will keep us dry
in the event of rain;
we sit outside

a warm summer wind
breaks against the back of my neck
and fills my nostrils with the obscenity
that spills out of a nearby sewer
it’s a deathly rotting smell
but it reminds me of home

I watch you smiling across the table
and your smile begs for mine
you want it to be alright
you want me to see past the scars
that cover your heart like a Kevlar vest
you want me to reach in and touch
that unblemished part of you
that you saved for a rainy day
you still think there’s a light brilliant enough
to keep you smiling forever

I can never be him
I travel in my agonies with a feathered cap
dark shadows cover me as I spill into the night
each star highlights my imperfections
for me joy and suffering are one taste
suffering, ugly as it seems
can be so profound
it's joyful
and it’s tears are the appreciation we show

grief is not unadulterated pain
grief is also mixed with a sense of majesty
we weep at the realization
that there’s only one life
and this is it

I watch you smiling across the table
and I wonder if you’ll ever realize
that smiling into the darkness
is the closest I’ll ever come
to smiling back