Suicide: a lesson in economics

By Armand

Let's assume for the sake of this discussion that you have resigned to the fact that you are a worthless piece of dog shit with no salvation in sight. Although you will no longer be a direct cost to your family's monthly budget, you will become a short term capitalized cost in the form of final expenses. With the average funeral running about $7000 for the no frills pine box and plastic gardenias, your parents will likely have to take out a second mortgage to put your sorry selfish ass in the ground. And forget about the cost of healing the emotional scars left behind in the form of six months of weekly therapy for your mom and younger siblings at a cost of $75 a pop, for which mental health coverage on your dad's health plan will only cover 50%. And just when the condolence cards stop filling the mailbox, the bill from the friendly community hospital arrives for that last ambulance joyride to the ER where they declared you dead on arrival at a cost of $785.

So if you're going to go through with it, be mature about it and don't leave a suicide note. Instead, make it look like an accident, because unbeknownst to you, your old man probably took out a life insurance policy on you at some point in your sorry life; except that the policy usually has a suicide exclusion, but pays double for accidental death. That way, if nobody loved you in life, they will at least remember you fondly in death.

Better yet, before you take that leap, picture yourself at your own funeral. Try to imagine who attended and what they said about you. What do you want them to say about you? How will you be remembered? How do you want to be remembered? If you can imagine what these people say about you at your own funeral, then you have probably come up with the principles in your life that you think are very important. These principles are how people will remember you. Were you a loving, caring friend? Were you strong when people needed your strength? Were people able to depend on you?

If you're happy with the turnout, then take a step back from the ledge. Because it is up to you to take the next step and assure that the acts you perform in your lifetime follow the paths that will lead to achieving the principles that you find so important. If you're not real pleased with the turnout, there is salvation. Start by living your life as if it's already over and you're eavesdropping on the chatter at the wake. It's never too late to change your attitude or your latitude. Choose life and start fixing the world, one small piece at a time.

Unauthorized Copying Is Prohibited. Ask the author first.
Copyright 2004 Armand
Published on Sunday, November 21, 2004.     Filed under: "Rant"
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Comments on "Suicide: a lesson in economics"

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  • angel of the darkness On Thursday, April 19, 2012, angel of the darkness (24)By person wrote:

    this is pretty funny, but then it takes a more serious turn and that's great too. i think that if more bullied kids could read this, it would probably have a lot of them thinking more about what it really means to commit suicide.

  • Winter Born On Friday, May 1, 2009, Winter Born (170)By person wrote:

    ...So many things running through my mind after reading both your write and the comments under it. I personally am not wired in the suicide direction...more the opposite really. I can see how this might have an impact on many people out there, but not on the ones that need the swift kick this delivers. As you stated yourself, they are selfish. Thoughts of self only. nothing about the others this action will affect. They have pulled the blinders of pain over their eyes and refuse to take them off. Very expressive write. I enjoyed it immensly.

  • boundandfallen On Sunday, March 15, 2009, boundandfallen (33)By person wrote:

    choose life.. sounds like a movie.. Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed- interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing sprit- crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing you last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life... But why would I want to do a thing like that? --trainspotting-- yeah. i absolutely love this poem of yours. you're a very smart cynic. o_o

  • A former member wrote: How would that prevent anyone from killing themselves. You're just telling them we hate you now, we'll hate you when you're dead. Get pissed off at everyone all the time, the western credo.

  • A former member wrote: been there but let me say this if you have enough time to stand and think about it then no it's not worth it!!just my opionion

  • zanewill On Friday, February 9, 2007, zanewill (84)By person wrote:

    u can not judge anothers' demons. you can not do it. no you may not. you are not "GOD"

  • zanewill On Sunday, January 28, 2007, zanewill (84)By person wrote:

    very poignant & well written...unfortunately, i think mosy that would opt, their demons would be 2 great 2 percieve others' discomfort. of course the subject matter of any poem is secondary 2 the writing process??

  • A former member wrote: okay. Reading this I remembered reading it before. I just dont know why I didnt comment on it. This a very inspirational piece. Kind of a laugh too. I liked it. ][ ][

  • edenscancer On Thursday, November 23, 2006, edenscancer (33)By person wrote:


  • HalfDarkAngel On Monday, November 13, 2006, HalfDarkAngel (60)By person wrote:


  • beautifulfallenangel On Tuesday, October 31, 2006, beautifulfallenangel (64)By person wrote:

    a point

  • beautifulfallenangel On Tuesday, October 31, 2006, beautifulfallenangel (64)By person wrote:

    :)......i understand, though i wasn't thinking about my family in my attempt( of course not the aftermath), i was thinking about finally being okay and safe. and most sucidals don't think about expense and so forth, it's a way out.but i agree with you to

  • Mari On Monday, May 29, 2006, Mari (427)By person wrote:

    this was....GREAT....freaking- freaking-freaking- something anyway its so fucking ...good? what an understatement and it made me laugh thats always nice

  • l mo On Saturday, May 13, 2006, l mo (55)By person wrote:

    i made my boyfriend read this...and i seriously think it might have saved his life...thank you

  • Muse On Friday, April 21, 2006, Muse (58)By person wrote:

    well..i got slapped instead, but it stopped me..this is very cutting and makes you think. maybe you're not even worth the pine box to em?

  • Kitty_LostInHerOwnMind On Friday, January 6, 2006, Kitty_LostInHerOwnMind (7)By person wrote:

    I love this. Being a person who did walk away from almost killing myself, this really backed up the new perspective I have. It makes you think, and thinking(no matter how much most youth I know would disagree) is not a bad thing. Kit-te

  • weyvern On Sunday, December 25, 2005, weyvern (80)By person wrote:

    this is a very good and well thought out rant and thoughts like these did stear me in the right direction but others i know feel more guilty and self hating for it. dont want to be a bitch thought it's very good

  • NikesRain On Sunday, March 20, 2005, NikesRain (1343)By person wrote:

    intelligently done, capturing and thought provoking. Then again you always do write with such an amazing ease of flow and elegance, in every work. Now if you'd only write some more darkness to fall into. ;)

  • A former member wrote: *kicks you* why haven't you written lately :P

  • A former member wrote: i liked your view and enjoyed this rant quite a bit. its always nice to take a step back and admire ones own life. thanks for giving me perspective...

  • Midnight Phoenix On Sunday, December 5, 2004, Midnight Phoenix (243)By person wrote:

    I wish I could come up with something more creative than "you f#@$ing rock", but yeah.... You do. I love this piece.

  • Dancing_Monkey On Thursday, November 25, 2004, Dancing_Monkey (1288)By person wrote:

    *screams and the goes numb once more*

  • A former member wrote: To truly know your subject before you go off on them telling them that they should think about every one else first! Cause sorry hun but not every ones life is all rainbows and butterflies!

  • A former member wrote: You know you are right! But most people who hurt them selves don't have parents that will do those things! But yah it might affect others if your lucky enough to have some one care about you! So before you write something about this again you might want t

  • Six-Out On Tuesday, November 23, 2004, Six-Out (1483)By person wrote:


  • odetobarbie On Tuesday, November 23, 2004, odetobarbie (15)By person wrote:

    those of us with suicidal tendencies don't have enough guilt dragging our ravaged souls across the pavement. This piece intensifies my drive to eliminate my impact on those around me so that I can peacefully leave this godforsaken life.

  • Reverend On Sunday, November 21, 2004, Reverend (82)By person wrote:

    to keep from going into some long sob story. I'll just say that when I was 14, this logic accually kept me from taking a step in the wrong direction

  • Solace On Sunday, November 21, 2004, Solace (1082)By person wrote:

    Yay for the rich people! Suicide is no longer a burden on their minds...but seriously this was very damn well written and suffice to say that I respect the opinion that is expressed...Very well done indeed.

  • Lotophagi On Sunday, November 21, 2004, Lotophagi (341)By person wrote:

    now that's a good wake-up call..... clearly expressed with copious amounts of integrity and dignity placed within it.... It has a lyrical flow whilst sustaining an authoritive tone with satirical undercurrents..... excellent write. Thank you.

  • Sin On Sunday, November 21, 2004, Sin (1179)By person wrote:

    well said, the financial aspects were interesting but it was the last two sentences that drove it all home. as always you are nothing short of exceptional

  • purr_verse On Sunday, November 21, 2004, purr_verse (1038)By person wrote:

    Ahhh. *smiles a lot* Brilliant. I knew this would be a rant of true quality the moment I read your name beside the posting. You rule. :)

  • A former member wrote: This was written with a sincerity and understanding that I find lacking in most rants of this kind, especially in these times. I thank you for this, and know that you have my utmost appreciation and respect.

  • A former member wrote: The way you executed this made it not only readable, but quite enjoyable...especially the line about the "joyride" ambulance. If only this were brought to more of the youth's attention...or are they too lost already? Perhaps, we'll find out?

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