phantom restraints (closure-the last child-abuse poem)

phantom restraints
(still holding me)
stale, stifled complaints
(spewing from me)
long-ago amputated chains
(still weigh me down)
familiar stomach pain
(as if you were still around)

chronic startle
forever, I fear, I’ll flinch
My rigid hands,
I still can’t unclench.
Night after night I awake
gasping for air.
I’m dripping wet, freezing cold
though pouring sweat…

Wondering why I haven’t forgotten yet.

Vivid Technicolor memories
pulling me back down
to what you made me be.
I bite my cheek until I taste blood
and hope that no one will see
as I swallow my only relief.

self-inflicted tension headache.
From within,
screams the part of me
that you could not break.
The piece for which
I’d die
before I’d let you take.

Dull blue/grey and empty
caged-animal eyes.
I started believing my own
‘you can’t hurt me’ lies.

I can’t count all the hours
spent taking scalding hot showers.
Hand over mouth to muffle my
swallowed cries.




Because I’d rather suffer silently
and alone,
razor blade administering (toxic) self-medication
than beg for your sick mercy and
allow you to win.

I’ve been siphoning strength
and holding it in.

(raw and raised)
despite the weakness of my legs,
I stand.
In my mind-rehearse the words
that I had planned.

No more obedience faking.
No more how I got bruised excuse making.
I’ve already lost all that I had
for the taking.

Blown away
-not sure what to say.
This time you looked away.
Because I’m
glazed
dazed
can’t be fucking fazed.
Frightened by my
manic monotone and robot responses,
unable to look into my dehydrated eyes
as I tell your lies
-tell you what you need to hear.
But I will not show fear
(I’d drown inside my head before I’d give you
even one more fucking tear)

-I’d locked away
all identifiable emotion
and sneaky fed you the keys-

ahhh…
I delight in the displeasure
for which your falling facial expression
is the measure.
I secret smile
when you can no longer hide what you’ve realized,
THAT little girl…your child…
she has died.