A Confession in Bright Dark.

"It was the fear that brought us together
The fear that held us close
The fear that drove me away
When I faced that fear alone."

And I just want to take this moment to shed some weight
Perhaps invoke a thought or two
And tell you all that it's worthless; not
From the release in me of Jesus and the continents of unjust gun turret mountain peaks I placed between us
To the increase in bereavement once felt near Cleveland from which deceiving eyes derived a teasing silhouette and a ceaseless wish for "what's more than meets the I"
Only me, and not alone
To think and thank in throes
That it all has happened in time, on time
(Just not on my time)
And every once and a while
It feels good to know

Although
I still sleep
With a devil in my sheets
Around my legs and somewhere between my knees caressing the spots soft subconscious that dictates my needs in addiction
A catho-holic by tradition
In love with chocolate and hooked on thoughts of Hershey...Pa
Ohio, Tampa, Ca
And Cigarettes
For as quickly as this comes and as desperate as I get
I just want to confess
For more or (b)less
How it all came to be and once was
So much less

"I wish I could've given you something beautiful
Something...perfect
The embodiment of youth and the exception to the principles upon which you rest your palms
The nail driven through your balsa cross
The reverie depicted unchanging delight of an opaque psalm you'd
Sweat for
Sell for
Swear for
Care for
Cut for
Cure for
Make war for
Lock hips infinitely closer than metaphor
And move one step more than simply a "condition of the difference" in how we spoke
Of wanting to wash away the sin of wishing away God I wish I'd wake back up to then

And wish I never woke

If only to dream of how I wanted to write the prose in me of how it was supposed to be "know one quite knows me" quite like you
Or knew
Quite like I knew
How the mornings after never held it's own accountability to the wait of three hours disparity
When the gravity of it fell like a shift in the poles of a world that avidly stops turning
As I stopped turning
Simply to digress and refuse to admit how it came to be
So much less

And much more numb

Coming to realize that the skin we touched through only what we could imagine
By pen pal cancel then annulled coach class gin and ambien ear popping descent with nightless calls ne'er'end
(To which we thank Verizon)
Had become the haymaker that technically knocked me out of square one
The sum of which is the union of two
And who knew?

It's about completing
Not about competing
But with so many holes to fill I couldn't help to think that cheating with my own self hating cycle repeating Marlboro haze blindness
Was a better option to
Pupilling my eyes to dilate and see and sieve the kindness that otherwise would've been given in ridiculously high amounts
An acceptable overdose
To kill away the convictions and the devout indignation of my righteous left hand."

I hope they understand this
I couldn't be further from pious;
As quickly as this arises;
As desperate as I get
I often never forget:

All the minutes within the miles of sky
      Staring down in bright dark
From that satellite above
      Circling back to start.
Ignoring the pain
      That's the easy part
But more or less
      For what I find too hard
I just wanted to confess...

...sigh

I guess.

Not yet.