a friend put it this way
he says, jonas you got a slippery transmission
meaning that even though every cylinder is firing
there's nothing wrong with the belts or the timing
that doesn't change the likelihood of a brick wall
stopping me altogether
i really like the accelerator
but would rather imagine possible outcomes
and logical conundrums
than look at where i'm going

i am the most principled in discussion
but my behavior fails to follow these principles
at least not as rigidly as i can preach them

not many were ever openly converted to their opponents view
in the face of condescension and aggravation
i claim to enjoy debate but i don't know if i really know how to do
more than argue

i sometimes think of taking a week long vow of silence
sometimes a month
i don't think a year is a practical goal for me

the shitty thing
it just struck me
is that i am aware of my shortcomings in the restraint department
i am aware that i am not wise. not even close.
however i have not been able to address this part of my personality
at least not effectively

this is why i want to try periods of silence.
not vows of silence. i just realized i used the word vow in adherence
to the cliche vow of silence even though vow is nowhere near the
correct word for the situation

counting to ten is a good thing
the problem is
remembering to do it

maybe i will try a week of silence.

i think there are benefits to be gained.

maybe i wont though and i should address the issue outside
magical cure-alls
really i think it all boils down to confidence and self-image. where i
feel the need to constantly defend that i am a worthwhile human
because i don't feel like i am
i have much to address in my past and i feel like some of it spills
over in ways that i find hard to control. but i don't feel like i can
use that as a crutch either.

i think i just need to try harder. to just change my habits.
convince myself to reign in my tongue
if for only a few moments
so that it doesn't race ahead of my thoughts.