the penis i will never have.

i go to confessional
twice a week
for sixty bucks a pop
and i tell the man
with the nodding head
about my inappropriate
thoughts


but
i can tell
he doesn't get it




he and his ph.D.
reassure me
that it is perfectly normal
for a young woman of my age
and level of coital activity
to indulge in erotic fantasies
and perverse or lewd daydreams


"it's quite essential, really, for the development
of a normal, healthy sexuality."

/nodnod/



i am squirming
on the creaking leather
hands clasped on my lap


wondering if he knows
my particular predicament
doesn't lie in an overzealous
sexual appetite


rather
in the misplacement
of my gender
in corresponding parts
that don't quite
respond
as they ought to


so i make a faulty stab
at explaining the crossed wires
only to succeed in directing
my already-lost trail guide
down a considerably denser path


"the uncertainty you're experiencing at this point in time
doesn't mean you aren't capable of being satisfied...

...however, in our modern society, the transition from one gender
to another is much more widely accepted than in the days of my youth, for example..."

/nodnod/



oh bother
it seems he's
left me with no alternative
than to prove my alternative

here goes

"idontwannahavesexallthetime
andidontreallymindbeingagirl
ijustwannafuckprettyboyssenseless
exceptnotwithmyfemalebody
iwannabeaboyandhavesexwithotherboys
butnotbeaboyandhavesexwithgirls
eventhoughicanhavesexwithboysnow
ithinkiwouldreallyratherasaboy
butithinkmygirlmentalitywillhinderme
becauseillwannaformrelationships
andgoddamnitsexchangeoperations
arentfarenoughalongtogivemeaproper
fullyfunctioningpenisanyway
so.whats.the.damn.point?"



funny
they never mention the blank look
in the how to deal with your therapist handbook
and he's not nodding anymore

his head looks awkwardly
out of place or suspended in midair



"is my time up now?"


fidget
silencemoresilence
fidget



/nodnod/
/nodnod/
/nodnod/
/nodnod/




i put my money on the table
like an old pro with a winning hand
and shuffle to the door
with his nodding still at full blast






i wonder what he'll recommend
on thursday


















---------------





written after a conversation with LostInDespair about my doomed sexual future, because i want to be a homosexual boy. don't look at me like that, there are others out there, too.