Too Much Right Now

Everything hurts, and sometimes
when I stop to make sure its not at its worst

I get hit like a truck, and with my love of death Ill flirt,
and life seems nice for a moment but then subverts

into another falling for falling's sake self hurt circle jerk
and i cant handle not living for living's sake anymore because I hurt

and I want to end the pain and keep singing in the rain
but i keep getting sent into beserk

self loathing controlling hate and fear 
wishing I hadn't lost you
wishing you were here

//////////

I cant sleep at night and with my demons ill fight-
but how can i fight when i dont know what is right?

And ill search and ill scream and ill let myself dream
but only for a moment beacuse if i keep moving and loving and singin and stalling

it just feels like I'm postponing the cacophony and honestly this endless cycle of irresponsibly
dealing with my mental health can only end in one way 

but i want to break the cycle i want to let it out so i scream and i cry and i write and i write and i write and i write and i write
keeping up the fight- hoping that what im doing is right and hoping that one day ill ignite and rise and enter flight

but right now i just want to sleep and i get stuck in this circle and cycle and im doing all i can to fight for survival
but again i get dragged down and cast down and sometimes it gets to be too much 

and maybe i could talk to someone and they could give me a nudge but I'm scared all they would do is judge 
but maybe ill keep falling in this apocalypse and let my world keep falling to unconsciousness
 
good night :)