I Call Him Dog

By Malcholm Dark

His ears do offend and his nose does appall
He is built very wide, not at all very tall.
He likes sniffing bush, a real leg humper
He farts in the house, a real scent dumper.
My rug has been gnawed, pee stains on the floor
"Hey! Who put those damn scratches in the door?"
My girl came by the other day, her name's Meg
She hollered at me, "get this thing off my leg!"  
--I own an animal which resembles an honest-to-god, inbred hog
he's not a rat, a big burly cat, nothing like that
                                             ...I call him dog.
 

He has the colors of brown, gray, black and white
If he catches you off guard, it's a dreadful sight.
He escapes the yard--runs amok--because he's bored
I read a sign today: 'Poodle... Missing... REWARD!'
When he sits up it looks like a snaggle-toothed raccoon
My friends all laugh and call him a fat, nasty baboon.
I found a thief in the house who went on to beg
"Please mister, please! Get this thing off my leg."
--I own an animal which resembles an honest-to-god, inbred hog
he's not a rat, a big burly cat, nothing like that
                                             ...I call him dog.


He's not handsome at all, but to me he is a real gem
Best of friends forever, that is the way I think of him.
He's not all there and loses it for no reason or rhyme
So the neighborhood pets take losses from time to time.
Unable to swim, he sinks like a bag of rocks
"Hey! Who in hell, ripped up all of my socks?"
You can roll him around just like a small wooden keg
Someone is always shouting, "get this thing off my leg!"
--So do not be alarmed if he squeals like a farm bred hog
he's not a rat, a big burly cat, nothing like that
                                        ...I call him dog.



Unauthorized Copying Is Prohibited. Ask the author first.
Copyright 2010 Malcholm Dark
Published on Friday, April 2, 2010.     Filed under: "Comedy" and "Poetry"
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Comments on "I Call Him Dog"

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  • dwells On Wednesday, May 15, 2013, dwells (4177)By person wrote:

    Wifey had mine neutered when he was a puppy, and sometimes lately I think I might be next! Cheers Mal and waiting on your next piece as only you can do. Bert and Ernie are still my favorite paramours for the attentions of Miss Piggy, cheers!

  • Musik2MyEyes On Saturday, April 3, 2010, Musik2MyEyes (192)By person wrote:

    Man's best friend. Unconditional love and full time entertainment. Some are cute and cuddly and others are a heap of destruction just wagging their tail waiting for a pat on the head. This was a fun read. Every verse painting us a picture of this faithful friend of yours =)

  • Malcholm Dark On Saturday, April 3, 2010, Malcholm Dark (806)By person wrote:

    thanks M, I forgot to put that in, "pat on the head"...

  • Malcholm Dark On Saturday, April 3, 2010, Malcholm Dark (806)By person wrote:

    Thanks w, I love my dog... you just can't beat their devotion....

  • Wiccad On Saturday, April 3, 2010, Wiccad (124)By person wrote:

    That was sweet MD, I have three dogs and can completely understand where you're coming from..........very funny.

  • blue On Friday, April 2, 2010, blue (1409)By person wrote:

    haha, i absolutely loved this write...humourous and thoughtfully scribed.....reminds me of my own best dog friends, whom i miss terribly.. funny, this also reminded me of a poem my mother wrote about me riding the vacuum cleaner and stuffs...thank you for that remembrance as well.. ha, and i don't even like rhyme!!!!! =) good show. ~b

  • Malcholm Dark On Friday, April 2, 2010, Malcholm Dark (806)By person wrote:

    thanks, great thing about dogs is no matter how good or bad you treat them, they will always love you... I can almost see you on your vacuum...lol

  • lupus tenebrae On Friday, April 2, 2010, lupus tenebrae (860)By person wrote:

    lol another great write, reminds me of my old dog, he was extremely friendly, I loved how even the thief said "get this thing off my leg" enjoyable read, thanks for sharing. Scholar

  • Malcholm Dark On Friday, April 2, 2010, Malcholm Dark (806)By person wrote:

    thanks PW, the vision of a dog humping a leg always made me bust out laughing... Every male dog I ever had seemed to stick their nose in a girls crotch, then her pushing the dog away.... I always laughed so hard at that...

  • Rowan On Friday, April 2, 2010, Rowan (197)By person wrote:

    hehehe another great piece! I own a dog and she gets on my nerves chewing up my pants! I can barely afford that. I loved the line "When he sits up it looks like a snaggle-toothed raccoon..". That line just made me laugh so hard for some reason. :)

  • Malcholm Dark On Friday, April 2, 2010, Malcholm Dark (806)By person wrote:

    thanks R, every dog I had has chewed something up of mine... when I was a young boy I heard that line 'snaggle-toothed raccoon' and I've been waiting so long to use it...

  • A former member wrote: That was a nice one and I had fun reading it. Think of it this way, the dog doesn't know or even care that he's ugly.

  • Malcholm Dark On Friday, April 2, 2010, Malcholm Dark (806)By person wrote:

    thanks, I agree they don't, but even ugly dogs need love...

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