Not Before

No one but me
Was running in my head
How could I invite anyone in
There wasn’t any room left

Such overwhelming

I did try no matter what was said
From the voices angry
To the sad wishing a different result

As there was no desperation driving
The act isn’t desperate
But more freeing

Why shouldn’t it be
There was nothing here for me
No dream, no longing
Nothing comforted, contented
And I couldn’t get it right
No matter what choice I made

Eating at my time
Tick by painstaking tick
Year after year eroding further away

Yes it might have been
Any number of excuses assigned
To make this make sense

But really it was just a me
With no more need to find a reason…

And no I didn’t need to warn
Even as I probably did

But help
All these years of help
Talking it out
Trying to exist
That one step taken, climbing upward
A dozen falling back down

Was this living?
Did I really seem alive?

I know you aren’t sure
You think I was selfish
As you play over and over
What you could have said different too
Might have done different so as...

Even as I did well at pretending
Fakes smiles of good cheer
Excitement in my tone
With the deadness in my eyes staring back

Which I think you were aware of
Weren’t you?

I played this my best game
To attempt survival

Again, the dark drew close
Alone crept back in

The pretending not necessary
I became me again
Always back to me

No you couldn’t stop me
I could and many times before I did
To keep finding the same answers
The same chaos in my head

( needle inserted right about here)



No matter what anyone thinks
Whatever reason one wants to make for this
To make this about them
It wasn’t

And no matter how one thinks
I might have cheated myself, those around
Destroyed a chance at
Missed…

It was time
Just my time

Not before yours
Will we meet again…