the penis i will never have.

By doll on the rag




i go to confessional
twice a week
for sixty bucks a pop
and i tell the man
with the nodding head
about my inappropriate
thoughts


but
i can tell
he doesn't get it




he and his ph.D.
reassure me
that it is perfectly normal
for a young woman of my age
and level of coital activity
to indulge in erotic fantasies
and perverse or lewd daydreams


"it's quite essential, really, for the development
of a normal, healthy sexuality."

/nodnod/



i am squirming
on the creaking leather
hands clasped on my lap


wondering if he knows
my particular predicament
doesn't lie in an overzealous
sexual appetite


rather
in the misplacement
of my gender
in corresponding parts
that don't quite
respond
as they ought to


so i make a faulty stab
at explaining the crossed wires
only to succeed in directing
my already-lost trail guide
down a considerably denser path


"the uncertainty you're experiencing at this point in time
doesn't mean you aren't capable of being satisfied...

...however, in our modern society, the transition from one gender
to another is much more widely accepted than in the days of my youth, for example..."

/nodnod/



oh bother
it seems he's
left me with no alternative
than to prove my alternative

here goes

"idontwannahavesexallthetime
andidontreallymindbeingagirl
ijustwannafuckprettyboyssenseless
exceptnotwithmyfemalebody
iwannabeaboyandhavesexwithotherboys
butnotbeaboyandhavesexwithgirls
eventhoughicanhavesexwithboysnow
ithinkiwouldreallyratherasaboy
butithinkmygirlmentalitywillhinderme
becauseillwannaformrelationships
andgoddamnitsexchangeoperations
arentfarenoughalongtogivemeaproper
fullyfunctioningpenisanyway
so.whats.the.damn.point?"



funny
they never mention the blank look
in the how to deal with your therapist handbook
and he's not nodding anymore

his head looks awkwardly
out of place or suspended in midair



"is my time up now?"


fidget
silencemoresilence
fidget



/nodnod/
/nodnod/
/nodnod/
/nodnod/




i put my money on the table
like an old pro with a winning hand
and shuffle to the door
with his nodding still at full blast






i wonder what he'll recommend
on thursday


















---------------





written after a conversation with LostInDespair about my doomed sexual future, because i want to be a homosexual boy. don't look at me like that, there are others out there, too.








Unauthorized Copying Is Prohibited. Ask the author first.
© 2006 doll on the rag
Published on Saturday, January 14, 2006.     Filed under: "Poetry"
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Comments on "the penis i will never have."

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  • DarkGothicVampireFreak On Tuesday, March 1, 2011, DarkGothicVampireFreak (16)By person wrote:

    I know what you mean...

  • soldier On Tuesday, May 18, 2010, soldier (24)By person wrote:

    hahhahahaha, this poem was fucking awesome, good write

  • A former member wrote: I so loved this, one of my best friends is the opposite, he is a guy who wants to be a woman who is with other women. Actually i should say she, because that is how i have always seen her. she is a woman just trapped in the wrong body, and hopefully they will perfect the operations. It was very hard for her to also admit what she wanted, and kudos to you for doing so. Hope it all turns out well for you *hugs galore*

  • Rowan On Saturday, March 6, 2010, Rowan (294)By person wrote:

    Hahaha, that therapist was probably in shock. I wonder if they really take notes or just doodle.

  • A former member wrote: that thought has been popping up more frequently lately. maybe it'll change, maybe not. cheers, and goodluck with that~moony *hugs you*

  • A former member wrote: You are who you are. No one can change that nor should they judge what they do not understand. If you're not confertable being a woman then you should be a man if that's what you think is right. I wish you all of the luck if you decide that's what's right.

  • A former member wrote: i was talking to one of my gay friends about that just the other day and he was astonished. not with what I wanted but that I admited it. this takes guts and I love it.

  • A former member wrote: You know, I can say I know almost exactly what you mean. I have a strap-on that just about almost solves the problem. It turns away a lot of the tension that builds up, anyway.

  • A former member wrote: kudos! it takes balls to admit what we really want, and I've often wanted the same thing.

  • A former member wrote: i knew a guy who wanted to be a homosexual girl. he changed his name to zelda

  • Moonflower On Tuesday, July 17, 2007, Moonflower (309)By person wrote:

    mmmmm... i dont think i would like to do a guy like that.... but hey, if you like it who cares! ;)

  • mywristshurt On Friday, November 10, 2006, mywristshurt (411)By person wrote:

    hey, i dont blame you.. i want to be a guy too... great write.. i really got a full perspective on everything.. you have really great talent

  • KittyStryker On Thursday, July 13, 2006, KittyStryker (736)By person wrote:

    hah! time to come to my neck of the woods, were gay boys play with girls and women have penises. :) it's not abnormal at all. in fact... read "the leather daddy and the femme". Carol Queen. ;)

  • virginalnympho On Thursday, May 11, 2006, virginalnympho (19)By person wrote:

    i laughed ... then nodded. and fell in love with this write. niiice

  • Kinkypoptart On Thursday, March 2, 2006, Kinkypoptart (578)By person wrote:

    wow... i love this piece... going where not many dare to go. being a gay guy could be fun though... hmm... provoking thoughts... good job. ~*~Tart~*~

  • Alanarchy On Sunday, February 5, 2006, Alanarchy (1123)By person wrote:

    Heheh. You know, I'm speechless. Great poem.

  • xserratedsoulx On Sunday, February 5, 2006, xserratedsoulx (214)By person wrote:

    ME TOO!!!!!!! life would be so much more interesting if i owned a penis!!! ~lauren~

  • Err0r On Sunday, January 29, 2006, Err0r (367)By person wrote:

    Lol. Penis Envy as a chick. Great write.

  • Lucklost On Wednesday, January 25, 2006, Lucklost (30)By person wrote:

    different......loved it..loved loved loved...... probably the best so far

  • TaintedButterfly On Monday, January 16, 2006, TaintedButterfly (675)By person wrote:

    Penis envy for sure, lol ;) I can honestly say I've never envied it that way or "wanted" to have one (on me that is, like a mans) eek! All the same, excellently written!

  • not an addict On Sunday, January 15, 2006, not an addict (45)By person wrote:

    blast dear, i never thought even after our endless pestering you would actually write the thing... i am impressed =) teehee!

  • doll on the rag On Sunday, January 15, 2006, doll on the rag (200)By person wrote:

    i had actually hoped for it to be a rhyming poem. oh well.

  • A former member wrote: oh, you are brilliant.

  • A former member wrote: Also...fav. Because this is everythin I hoped for and more. *cheers* my Sweet.

  • A former member wrote: This is amazing!!!! outstanding!!!! Well-put and so true. I have met girls with this problem before and I greatly admire you for stepping up and smacking me in the face with it.. no pun intended hee = ) ~Lost~

  • doll on the rag On Saturday, January 14, 2006, doll on the rag (200)By person wrote:

    if i had something with which to smack you in the face, i would be using it to do other things to you... savagely. ;P

  • A former member wrote: Don't threaten me with a good time... *mwah*

  • doll on the rag On Saturday, January 14, 2006, doll on the rag (200)By person wrote:

    no worries... i plan to give you a bad time when i visit. a very bad time. =P

  • A former member wrote: ..I'm one. *sigh* There is no hope for us. This was excellently portrayed.. thank you.

  • dead_inside On Saturday, January 14, 2006, dead_inside (32)By person wrote:

    interresting, i dont understand why you'd want to do that but im not here to judge you, i hope you get your wish. good write

  • Johny_D_Lewis On Saturday, January 14, 2006, Johny_D_Lewis (506)By person wrote:

    interesting way to fuck with someone's mind you ever consider using a strapon on a boy?

  • James_the_Saint On Saturday, January 14, 2006, James_the_Saint (114)By person wrote:

    Of course, it's not the same!

  • doll on the rag On Saturday, January 14, 2006, doll on the rag (200)By person wrote:

    exactly. she gets it.

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