When I Disappear Completely

Yeah...it's true...i found you attractive the first time you walked into the room.
But it was nothing more than that...a student who thought their incredibly young professor was hot.
Then you started singling me out, making comments about my work infront of the class, giving me extra time to work on inclass papers, and you would mention music and bands that i liked and things that i was interested in. You taught me things I liked and I learned things that I cared about and found interesting. I began to like you a little more after each class and wanted to get to know you more than just my professor. So...

I emailed you.
You emailed back.

It's all your fault. You quoted Radiohead. Not just any Radiohead...a line from my favorite Radiohead song..."I'm not here, this isn't happening."
I was smitten.

Soon I was staying after class...a lot. We would walk out together and talk about everything under the sun. We laughed, joked, argued, smiled, so on and so forth.

Class ended...I was handing in a paper late...but...
you looked me up in the phone book and called every person with my last name til you found me. You were visiting grandparents who lived in my town and you wanted to know how my paper was coming...but then you were no longer my professor...you asked if I wanted to hang out.

It's funny looking back. I never thought that over the next 6 months I would spend almost every single day with you. You went off to Tennessee for the Bonarroo festival and I went to New Jersey for the Field Day Festival. After two weeks, you came back, and you brought with you a whole bunch of stuff you had gotten for me.

We were never a couple, never boyfriend/girlfriend. Things were not ever said eventhough you implied that I was yours.

You asked me to come into Boston to your apartment. I did. I spent the night with you. It was beautiful and I fell. I fell for you on that night on your roof over looking my city.
It wasnt the last time I spent the night with you. And in all your beautiful naked glory, I fell inlove with you despite my inner struggle not to. Because I knew you didnt love me. We were friends with benefits and that it were you drew the line.

You told me you were "too insane" for a girlfriend. You were too unstable and you didnt want me involved with the crazy things that went on in your mind. You had a habbit of chasing people that you cared about away, you didnt know how, but you did not want to do that to me. You did not want to hurt me. You cared about me. I was the closest thing you had to a girlfriend in 4 or 5 years...but you did not want a girlfriend at that time.

I wish I had never said anything. You scared yourself by admitting all those things because you realized that I was your girlfriend, we both knew it. So you backed away. You backed away from a relationship, a friendship, a commitment...you backed away from me. You stopped calling, we stopped hanging out, you stopped being my friend. Hooking up completely stopped and it seemed like the only time you would hang out with me is when you wanted or needed something. You broke my heart and I hated you for it. I hated that you did something I swore no one would do again and worse I hated you because I loved you so without ever wanting to.

And now, a full year after you walked into my life, I sometimes see the guy I loved in your eyes when you call me late at night and we sit in my car. The only light is from the glow of my truck's stereo and we talk and laugh and your focus is on me. You freestyle about the things you like about me and you make me feel special again. But I know it will not last...because then you wont call me for days and when you finally do call...you'll make promises to hang out which you never do.

I give up on you but I give up on myself more. I will always come when you call and I would do anything for you. I cant name one other person in my life that thinks you are a decent person or that you even deserve me in your life. They hate you because they know how you've hurt me. They want you dead because they've had to comfort me as i bawled on their shoulders for hours over shit you've put me through.

But you do not know any of this...you do not know the feelings I have for you. You do not the pain I've put myself through in attempts to run from the pain you've caused me. You do not know that I love you and you will never know. And someday when you call, I will not answer. Slowly I see all the awful things about you and how I am so utterly stupid for letting you walk all over me. Slowly, I see you for the person you hate...the person you said chases people you care about away. You really are insane...and its sad...because you are completely brillant.

It makes me sad that I've lost such an interesting friend and someone who has touched my life in a way that I never thought possible. You've exposed me to things I never knew and you've shown me beauty in things I never cared for. It's a shame that you've ruined so much for me...

You've ruined my favorite Radiohead song because every time I hear it...I think of your email. I think of hearing it live for the first time, tripping my balls off, and my head spinning of thoughts of you. I think of how we went to see Radiohead together with 7 of my friends and during one song, you came up behind me, put ur head on my shoulder and thanked me. I rubbed my cheek against yours and told you, you were welcome. And we stayed like that for a little while...

And when I hear "How to Disappear Completely" we will still be like that in my head...eventhough you may not be in my life anymore.
When I take those lyrics...and I disappear completely.