A sort of
jealousy
creeps up behind me
unwanted,
unheard of
breathing down my back
stabbing needles
at my chest
I get mad
mad at everything and one
I feel ugly and shitty
and worthless and
you
you remain perfect
but Behold
I have some anger for you too
even though your innocent
I feel an urge to
punch
you had a destiny with her
and it’s so
unfair
cuz I’m here and you
have done nothing
wrong or bad
bad or wrong
you’ve been only a gentlemen
yet something inside
wants me to fuck up
to get jealous
to be hurt
and I can’t think of why

I’m stuck here playing
“monkey in the middle”
and all the reasons are
floating
high above
they're all out of reach,
they all look alike
Which one? Which one to catch?
they’re all to
high up
and my arms
don’t and won’t
stretch that far

And then a sort of
civilized attitude
settles in
and grows on me
until I’ve stopped the
cutting
stopped the
bleeding
stopped the
screaming
and
once again
I am a happy-go-lucky gal
giggling
and bouncing
up
and
down
not even thinking
of what happened
5 minutes before

The event is now fading away
It is made of thin air,
no longer reachable
no longer solid …
and now
it is unreal,
and it just was …
Something unwanted
Something unheard of.