in exchange

this is my go at free verse, it's
about the weakness of man kind-

Oh Christmas tree
Oh Christmas tree
In how many ways
Do you bring joy to me?
Little candles
Beautiful ornaments
Every year
I deck upon thee

This year…
I tried to make
An ornament
Unlike the others
Something real
Not so fake
I bought
Red glass balls
At the local
K-mart
I cut out little
Sayings
I dyed you pink
And green
I wanted you to be
Special
I wanted the ornament
To sheen
To scream
But,
It wasn’t quite perfect
It wasn’t
What it was meant to be
I smashed it upon
Floor
Took another ball
From the box
Good thing I-
Had bought more
This Christmas was
Gunna rock!

I took the second
Ball
Again,
I glued upon it
Beautiful words
Pretty sayings
Saintly decorations
The perfect addition
To your branches
With my name,
It was branded.
A masterpiece
To me,
It was
My heart
Poured into
Something so
Small, so stupid
I left to find
The final adjustment
A hook
To
Hang
My soul,
My ornament
Upon you,
My tree
As I entered my room
A prize in my hand
I was happy,
I felt as if something really
Mattered
And I saw on the floor,
My master piece
SHATTERED.

And I cried
I cried for all that I was worth
Fuck you god.
Its all your fault!
[my birth]
and still I cried
if even a glass ball
cannot survive
than why is it
i
have been
Sentenced to alive?
We HAD A FUCKING DEAL GOD!
I was special
Unlike the rest
Of all your children
I WAS THE BEST!
The best?
Wasn’t i?

And I fell
I fell helpless upon
The floor
Begging the god
Begging for more!
I am everything!
But why is my soul torn?
I wish!
I fucking wish I was
NEVER GOD DAMNED BORN!

And I held
The shattered remnants
In my ill-fated hand
I looked at my shiny red
Reflection
And i..
I demanded..
WHY?
Me?

I took one of the pieces
Of my oh so broken heart
I took them
And with them
I tore myself apart
Blood like blossoms
Blood
So red
If only god,
IF ONLY
I WERE
DEAD!

And cried
And I said
I said
you make me
live…
and in exchange for the pain
my belief
you make me decorate
your Christmas tree?