Faces

By SulaMoon

Iâ€™m so good at putting on faces,
Looking like Iâ€™m happy,
When I just want to die...

People thinking that Iâ€™m strong,
When Iâ€™m with them all night long.
Though, when Iâ€™m all alone,
They never see me cry.

I want to kill this pain.
Why am I always to blame?
Nothing I do is good enough.
Please? Why donâ€™t you let me die?!?!

Doesnâ€™t matter what I do,
Iâ€™ll never be like you.
Why bother putting in the effort.
Iâ€™m begging youâ€¦
God, please let me die!!!

I really do fucking hate my life...
Regretting the day I became your wife.
I have all this responsibility.
No one understanding what itâ€™s like to be me.

A thousand ways to kill the pain.
Thoughts of only yesterday.
What happened so long ago...
That made me feel this worthless?

Hoping you have to work tonight.
Wishing I could end this strife.
You make me feel so ugly inside.
So now...all I want to do is hide.

To kill this pain.
To be someone else.
Wishing to place my heart on a shelfâ€¦
Within a boxâ€¦
Behind a lockâ€¦
Tucked awayâ€¦
So I donâ€™t have to feel this way.

I know Iâ€™m stupid, dumb and fat.
Why not just bludgeon me with a bat?
It would be better than feeling this way.
My head and heart filled with so much pain.

Yearning for peace, love and namasteâ€™.
Hoping I feel that again someday.
Wishing I wasnâ€™t in today.
For right now I wish to dieâ€¦
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Published on Wednesday, June 24, 2020. Filed under: "Depressed" and "Poetry"

Author's Note:

Wrote this when I had a flashback of my ex-husband.

Comments on "Faces"

On Tuesday, February 26, 2019, Jonas Robinson (848) wrote:

This gave me a bit of clarity. I enjoyed this because it was haunting and expressive. :)
On Sunday, August 28, 2011, Dark Valkyrie (11) wrote:

No ! you are not dumb. Your words are that of a gifted but tormented soul. If you are as amazing as your words; you'll find a way to make your life meaningful again. You are an amazing, talented and marvelous woman. I wish all the happiness in the world to you.
On Monday, January 24, 2011, Gray Vision (424) wrote:

Some times these flash backs come out of no where, but to die is something else. It seems like you're really going through some hard times or the worst has come and gone I hope. Do not let others put you down, "nothing I do is ever good enough" maybe not to them, but if you tried, really tried, that's good enough for me, I don't care what anyone else thinks. Take care of yourself and try not to dwell in this place you wrote of, thank you for sharing, I know this piece took alot out of you.
On Monday, January 24, 2011, SulaMoon (67) wrote:

Thanks :) Yeah, the worst is behind me...trust me. No despair any more. Just getting it out on paper so I can heal even further.
A former member wrote: The line I wish I had written is the penultimate line: "Wish I wasn't in today". It is a beautifully underplayed but truly chilling line.