The Ballad Of Blubbering Mound
By Malcholm Dark
I used to suck my stomach in, then
everything looked right
My pants won't fit me anymore, my shirts
are much too tight.
When I see myself in the mirror, how it makes
me sigh
It dejects me so and makes me eat, then I want to die.
Women of the world spurn me, I wish they would understand
I am
enormous and weigh too much, the world's fattest man.
--Oh Jenny
Craig and Richard Simmons, help me if you're able
I'm a living
curse of cellulite, chained to the dinner table.
--Exercise, aerobicise,
scrutinize, I'll try them when I can
for my biggest fear of losing
weight, is to die a skinny man.
I exist inside a
fast-food chain, my friends call me selfish
I always get it my
way, when I'm not scarfing someone else's
My arms are huge and
legs so massive, but I am no Bret Hart
Yet, I am content with my
TV and the junk food A la carte.
I have seen the doctors and
carry a pocket full of waivers
But here I sit in Baskin-Robbins
eating thirty one flavors.
--Oh Jenny Craig and Richard Simmons,
help me if you're able
I'm a living curse of cellulite, chained
to the dinner table.
--Exercise, aerobicise, scrutinize, I'll try
them when I can
for my biggest fear of losing weight, is to die
a skinny man.
But alas I died a tub of lard, from a
searing heart attack
A 2 foot sub sticking out my mouth and
laid out on my back.
And when I rose above that body which laid
upon the ground
I could not even discern myself amid that blubbering
mound.
So all you angels move aside, I am coming and won't be
late
And give ST. Peter a little help to get me through the gate.
--Oh Jenny Craig and Richard Simmons please recant this fable
I
was a living curse of cellulite, chained to my dinner table.
--Exercise, aerobicise,
scrutinize and look like Peter Pan
for I lived my life the way
I wanted and died a big fat man.
Awards
Comments on "The Ballad Of Blubbering Mound"
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A former member wrote:
This flowed so perfectly, every word of it. And whether it be weight, height, scars, emotional, we've all struggled with apappearance issues at one point or another. I have multiple at this very moment. Great read, thx and grats on POTD!
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A former member wrote:
read so easily, rare to find such a nice combination of rhyme, humour and darkness... thanks for the write!
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A former member wrote:
*sigh* a lot of memories id rather not say.
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On Wednesday, March 31, 2010, ubiquitoussoul
(343) wrote:
This was awesome..true that..Die a happy bit fat man..I shall never share my pizza.* Ok maybe a bite or two*...This was surprisingly humorous ..Always nice to get a good laugh..the mood can be such a downer around here sometimes that too read something like this just lights the room for a moment.Thanks.
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On Wednesday, March 31, 2010, Malcholm Dark
(806) wrote:
Man, you got that right... it does get a little dark. I think a good laugh is in order... thanks for the comment...
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On Wednesday, March 31, 2010, Rowan
(197) wrote:
Hahaha this is fantastic! Eat what you want. We all have to die from something. At least the life was lived how the person intended. Very nice write Malcholm. Loved it!
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On Wednesday, March 31, 2010, Malcholm Dark
(806) wrote:
thanks R, I just felt like telling a sad tale in a fun way... I hope jenny and richard don't mind..
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A former member wrote:
Loved it!!! I needed a good laugh... Thanx!! ;)
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On Wednesday, March 31, 2010, Malcholm Dark
(806) wrote:
Thanks, a good laugh is what everyone should have now and again....
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On Wednesday, March 31, 2010, lupus tenebrae
(860) wrote:
This was great, I loved the dark humor in this genius, "But here I sit in Baskin-Robbins eating thirty one flavors" that was my favorite part probably cause that would be me lol, and it mentioned one of my favorite wrestlers from when I was a kid, brilliant write, thanks.
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On Wednesday, March 31, 2010, Malcholm Dark
(806) wrote:
Thanks PW, I just hope bret likes it and doesn't hit on me...lol... man, I'm going to go have some ice cream, chow