The Ballad Of Blubbering Mound

By Malcholm Dark

I used to suck my stomach in, then everything looked right
My pants won't fit me anymore, my shirts are much too tight.
When I see myself in the mirror, how it makes me sigh
It dejects me so and makes me eat, then I want to die.
Women of the world spurn me, I wish they would understand
I am enormous and weigh too much, the world's fattest man.
--Oh Jenny Craig and Richard Simmons, help me if you're able
I'm a living curse of cellulite, chained to the dinner table.
--Exercise, aerobicise, scrutinize, I'll try them when I can
for my biggest fear of losing weight, is to die a skinny man.


I exist inside a fast-food chain, my friends call me selfish
I always get it my way, when I'm not scarfing someone else's
My arms are huge and legs so massive, but I am no Bret Hart
Yet, I am content with my TV and the junk food A la carte.
I have seen the doctors and carry a pocket full of waivers
But here I sit in Baskin-Robbins eating thirty one flavors.
--Oh Jenny Craig and Richard Simmons, help me if you're able  
I'm a living curse of cellulite, chained to the dinner table.
--Exercise, aerobicise, scrutinize, I'll try them when I can
for my biggest fear of losing weight, is to die a skinny man.


But alas I died a tub of lard, from a searing heart attack 
A 2 foot sub sticking out my mouth and laid out on my back.
And when I rose above that body which laid upon the ground
I could not even discern myself amid that blubbering mound.
So all you angels move aside, I am coming and won't be late
And give ST. Peter a little help to get me through the gate.
--Oh Jenny Craig and Richard Simmons please recant this fable
I was a living curse of cellulite, chained to my dinner table.
--Exercise, aerobicise, scrutinize and look like Peter Pan
for I lived my life the way I wanted and died a big fat man.



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Copyright 2010 Malcholm Dark
Published on Wednesday, March 31, 2010.     Filed under: "Comedy" and "Poetry"
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Comments on "The Ballad Of Blubbering Mound"

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  • A former member wrote: This flowed so perfectly, every word of it. And whether it be weight, height, scars, emotional, we've all struggled with apappearance issues at one point or another. I have multiple at this very moment. Great read, thx and grats on POTD!

  • A former member wrote: read so easily, rare to find such a nice combination of rhyme, humour and darkness... thanks for the write!

  • A former member wrote: *sigh* a lot of memories id rather not say.

  • ubiquitoussoul On Wednesday, March 31, 2010, ubiquitoussoul (343)By person wrote:

    This was awesome..true that..Die a happy bit fat man..I shall never share my pizza.* Ok maybe a bite or two*...This was surprisingly humorous ..Always nice to get a good laugh..the mood can be such a downer around here sometimes that too read something like this just lights the room for a moment.Thanks.

  • Malcholm Dark On Wednesday, March 31, 2010, Malcholm Dark (806)By person wrote:

    Man, you got that right... it does get a little dark. I think a good laugh is in order... thanks for the comment...

  • Rowan On Wednesday, March 31, 2010, Rowan (197)By person wrote:

    Hahaha this is fantastic! Eat what you want. We all have to die from something. At least the life was lived how the person intended. Very nice write Malcholm. Loved it!

  • Malcholm Dark On Wednesday, March 31, 2010, Malcholm Dark (806)By person wrote:

    thanks R, I just felt like telling a sad tale in a fun way... I hope jenny and richard don't mind..

  • A former member wrote: Loved it!!! I needed a good laugh... Thanx!! ;)

  • Malcholm Dark On Wednesday, March 31, 2010, Malcholm Dark (806)By person wrote:

    Thanks, a good laugh is what everyone should have now and again....

  • lupus tenebrae On Wednesday, March 31, 2010, lupus tenebrae (860)By person wrote:

    This was great, I loved the dark humor in this genius, "But here I sit in Baskin-Robbins eating thirty one flavors" that was my favorite part probably cause that would be me lol, and it mentioned one of my favorite wrestlers from when I was a kid, brilliant write, thanks. Scholar

  • Malcholm Dark On Wednesday, March 31, 2010, Malcholm Dark (806)By person wrote:

    Thanks PW, I just hope bret likes it and doesn't hit on me...lol... man, I'm going to go have some ice cream, chow

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