The Ballad Of Blubbering Mound

I used to suck my stomach in, then everything looked right
My pants won't fit me anymore, my shirts are much too tight.
When I see myself in the mirror, how it makes me sigh
It dejects me so and makes me eat, then I want to die.
Women of the world spurn me, I wish they would understand
I am enormous and weigh too much, the world's fattest man.
--Oh Jenny Craig and Richard Simmons, help me if you're able
I'm a living curse of cellulite, chained to the dinner table.
--Exercise, aerobicise, scrutinize, I'll try them when I can
for my biggest fear of losing weight, is to die a skinny man.


I exist inside a fast-food chain, my friends call me selfish
I always get it my way, when I'm not scarfing someone else's
My arms are huge and legs so massive, but I am no Bret Hart
Yet, I am content with my TV and the junk food A la carte.
I have seen the doctors and carry a pocket full of waivers
But here I sit in Baskin-Robbins eating thirty one flavors.
--Oh Jenny Craig and Richard Simmons, help me if you're able  
I'm a living curse of cellulite, chained to the dinner table.
--Exercise, aerobicise, scrutinize, I'll try them when I can
for my biggest fear of losing weight, is to die a skinny man.


But alas I died a tub of lard, from a searing heart attack 
A 2 foot sub sticking out my mouth and laid out on my back.
And when I rose above that body which laid upon the ground
I could not even discern myself amid that blubbering mound.
So all you angels move aside, I am coming and won't be late
And give ST. Peter a little help to get me through the gate.
--Oh Jenny Craig and Richard Simmons please recant this fable
I was a living curse of cellulite, chained to my dinner table.
--Exercise, aerobicise, scrutinize and look like Peter Pan
for I lived my life the way I wanted and died a big fat man.