Mother Knows Best

“I left Eden at the age of seven”
I left Eden at the age of eleven

It’s like, having extra eyes
Its like, trying not to watch yourself
In a room of mirrors
It’s like, having magnifying glasses for hands
And fingering minds

God, It’s like
Recording every movement
Every sound
Every flutter, every
Ripple in the water

This a w a r e n e s s
This maddening memory, this
Lucid Imagery
That I’ve (slowly) learned to accept
(And love)

I’ve pried the filters of self consciousness from my mind
But the indents remain
Like a stuttering stain

I do remember once,
Looking through the eyes of a child
Completely oblivious to the innocent veils that painted the world
In shades of red and pink
(Except the naughty ones I think)

It was a pair of nonchalant eyes
That separated me from myself
To watch every moment
As it happened
Before it happened
After it happened

I have you to blame
And thank
For my caution and consciousness
(And there are no more surprises)

MotherÂ…
There are none
There were
None

I remember
(Oh I remember)

Curling into fragments of forgotten apple cores
Rotting with every decayed shard of my skull
I kept hidden beneath the tiles of my bedroom floor


I remember trying so hard to forget
To unknow
But I know
I knew
Mother

I could not create a delusion
But I allowed you to live in yours

But I remember
Mother
I remember

Craving your rage over your apathy
The moment our eyes met and your hands were red
Holding orange

And it was then I became aware of the veils of rose and glitter that filtered my vision
The veils were shattered
And in place a hydra took form behind my eyes
( That I’ve made peace with)

And in a vain attempt to reincarnate
I gathered the shards
And glued them back together
With sugar and lipstick

And I pretended
I pretended
Mother

I wanted to hear you scream
Or cry
I wanted to incite
To stir your eyes

But you stared right through mine
I felt transparent
So
Insignificant
( I had been spawned into a specter forever)

And then
In your
Unconsciousness
I heard him scream,
“Do you know who that is?”

Your eyes were vacant
But your arms reached
And I held you
I held you Mother
(But you wouldn’t know)

I cried
And I apologized
For pretending

Because I knew
I knew
Mother

I knew I was watching you walk away from me
In our silence
Leaving me with a pair of nonchalant eyes to haunt me
And an unrelenting consciousness
That causes me to crave intimacy
To devour minds
So that I can remove the fangs from mine

And with every new pair of nonchalant eyes,
I break
But I’m so composed otherwise
(Right?)

You left me in a plastic Eden
(Oh but I knew I left Eden)
At the age of eleven

It’s funny,
Here I feel the need to knaw my hand
My eyes are burning the pages

That’s why I could never finish this


The fucking end