Already Broken

I love you
And that will never change
I love myself
And I am still learning what that means
I want you
More than anything else
I want to love myself
More than I want you
I need you
To tell me one way or the other
I need to love myself
To accept what you say
I crave you
Like I crave no one on Earth
I crave love for myself
To be bestowed upon truly
That I may give and recieve
Forever unending
I have cried for you
Cried tears of longing
Cried tears of disdain
Cried for losing hope
Cried for telling myself
I would never lose it
I laughed with you
First on the phone
Then in person
For hours upon hours
Sides splitting
Bones cracking
Eyes watering
I have slept beside you
Curled into your body
Nuzzled into your chest
Backed away when I realized
Things were getting awkward
I've felt your heat
Your body move to me
The embrace of your arms
The electricity in your skin
And I've felt your chill
When you told me not to attach myself
Not to love you
Not to give you what I hold most dear
When you push me away
When you tell me
It wasn't my battle to fight
I've been low
Because you told me
My hope was for nothing
My hope was not yours
That you are looking for you
And that I should only look
To myself
I have been with you
Without you
And sometimes I can't tell the difference
In the dark of my bedroom
I stare at the ceiling
And pray that
On the other side of someday
You'll want to be with me
I am changing still
Every day
I am more myself
Growing into the vessel
That I occupy
Enlightened
Encaved
It doesn't matter anymore
I have transcended that
I changed myself
To prove myself I could
And I did
And now my world is unraveling
It would be nice to know
One thing familiar
Would stay by my side
If I lose you
If my heart loses you
I will be in pain
It will hurt
I will cry
I will mourn
But what I won't do
Is give up
Not on you
Not on myself
You cannot break me
For I have already broken myself
Far too many times
You cannot break me
I am already broken.