Emotional Anesthesia

I learned something today,
Something I would've been better off not knowing,
I did it once before and I thought that was enough,
But no,
I had to do it again,
Just to see;

The heat stops tears from being shed,
In some way,
The burning heals,
Or is an emotional anesthesia at the very least;

I honestly don't want to inflict pain on myself,
In the end it causes a more negative outcome,
But the emotional pain hurts so much more than any burn,
The burns heal,
Leave a scar,
But they no longer hurt;

The part of me that aches so much,
Deep down inside,
It always hurts,
Like an old battle wound,
Broken bones that weren't set right,
A bullet in the side that permanently damaged internal organs,
That's what this pain is like;

The ice and the salt,
With the occasional assistance of a lighter,
That's become my morphine,
Numbing me on the inside,
Making me believe there's nothing to cry over;

This is the point when I know something's honestly wrong,
This is not the way to feel better,
It's just a temporary relief,
Or a sick way of trying to get attention,
Attention that will inevitably backfire;

I don't know how to make it better,
Putting the heat to rest is simply not enough,
That only solves part of the problem,
I still have this pain inside,
This pain that starts hurting for no reason,
And will not go away for good no matter what I do;

I can't get help because I can't convey what the problem is,
How can a disease be diagnosed without any symptoms but pain?
I can't describe anything further than that,
It just hurts,
For no reason whatsoever;

I'm just left alone for a time,
Then my whole world comes crashing down,
And looking for a cure,
I turned to physical pain,
To my surprise and dismay - it worked,
Just long enough to fall asleep.
And then none of it mattered,
Until the sun broke free and I woke up,
Realizing how desperate,
How broken,
How fucked up I really am;

I know that something is not right,
SOmething is causing this pain,
Whether it be fear,
Heartbreak,
Or any other pain inducing circumstance,
It's killing me,
Inside and out;

I need to be healed before it rips me apart,
I need it to not hurt anymore,
I don't want to reach for the salt and the ice,
I don't want to havw a reason to,
I want everything to be okay,
I want to be able to lay on my bed,
Let my mind wander,
And not have a break down,
I just want the pain to dissapate,
ANd the scars to dissapeare,
I want the anesthesia to become insignificant.