It Isn't You

I stand here quiet, in this tiny little space
gazing into the mirror at my eyes
throwing daggers at my face.
And then this thought came to me
almost by surprise.
It was at that very moment, i began to realize.
That these scars
they were meant to be there
they were put there with purpose, although ugly and bare.
They cover my arms, my hands, and my legs
they cover my feet and parts of my face.
They are carved deep in my heart, with the sharpest of blades.
I never thought this would be us
our story, your goodbye.
I never figured i would question God, or demand a reason why.
I'm sorry i wasn't there
I just wasn't aware
i had no earthly clue
that i just had my last moment... of you!
You see we lost so much time
pointing fingers and placing blame
that we missed out on our family
and we lost more than we gained.
And i was so mad, i was so fed up with you
tired of waiting for you to change
sick of watching what you do.
When i finally up and left you, i knew it would be hard
leaving someone you love ain't easy...
it seems crazy, almost bizarre.
wait... please...
can i have a moment?
A break from hiding this pain?
I cant give this to my son, and its driving me insane.
I'm not gonna apologize for leaving you, when that dope took over your mind.
I'm not gonna apologize for making you stand on your own two feet
and I'm sorry, papi, that i left you behind.
I'm sick of holding on to this
and that man that murdered you...
may he reap what he has sown.
I don't wish my loss upon him
i just want him to know what he has stole.
My love now... hes so understanding.
He carries bags...and boxes of my tears.
He comforts me in the darkness
but he cant calm my deepest fears.
At night.. i rest my head upon his chest
and his breathing...sometime i imagine is yours.
I often pretend I'm laying with you
that his heartbeat in my ear...
I'm not sorry that i awake with him
after all what can i do.
When I open my eyes, there's this sadness
because... damn...
it isn't you!


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Copyright 2020 XOCHITL
Published on Tuesday, January 21, 2020.     Filed under: "Love" and "Poetry"
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