Buried in Deep (First Time)

My heart races as my shaking
Hand lightly moves down her
Bare, smooth, soft...
Careful...
Body.
Her nipples hard, her breathing deep.
Her eyes on my hand,
Watching as it continues
Down her abdomen,
Over her belly button.
So warm...
So...
Alive.
But who?
She or I?

My eyes on her pale flesh,
I reach into my left pocket
And pull out rubber...
I put it on as she watches
And begins to moan and thrive.
Her thrashing is driving me insane.
She wants this.
I need this.
Tonight is the night.

With my now gloved hands,
I look behind me and grab
A sharpened steak knife.
If what I have watched and read
Is factual, this should be over soon.
Turning back to her,
I raise the knife above my head
And...
Well?
She screams into her makeshift
Gag as I fight myself.

I wanted this,
Did I not?
Yes, yes you did
-But why her?-
-Why an innocent girl?-
-Does she deserve it?-

I stood there, frozen for what
Seemed like hours, before I slowly
Lowered the knife.
"Well...shit."
This whole time I was ready.
I could feel it deep down inside
That I was ready for this.
But now here I stand,
Unable to do what the psycho
In me wants.
"God damn it!"
In a fit of defeated and confused rage,
I start slashing and stabbing
The air around me until I feel
The knife sink into something solid.

Looking down at it,
I see the blade stick deeply
Into her rib cage.
From the feel of it, it lodged
Into one of her ribs,
But did enough damage
For her to leak that dark red liquid.
My first time...was an accident?
I don't know how to feel about this.
.
.
.
How about a round two?