You Goddamned Selfish Fucker

You goddamned selfish fucker

That was the first thought that burrowed into my brain.

Not, “How sad!”

“Poor boy!”

“At least he’s at peace.”

None of those sentiments even existed on the same planet as I.

You goddamned selfish fucker

With a note, a gun, a bullet, and a tarnished white flag

You ripped the guts out of a memory

You left your legacy splattered on the yellow wallpaper

You gave up the ghost in true “you” fashion

You goddamned selfish fucker

What was the last thing that went through your head

Besides the bullet, of course?

Your mother?

Your son?

The rest of us?

Or was it you?

You, who’s burden was always too heavy

Who refused the slightest grace of good nature

Who recoiled at the words “addiction”

Who embraced “giving up.”

You….always you.

You goddamned selfish fucker

There is a wound that is much larger than the one in your skull

So tender and disgusting

And you inflicted both of them

And like always, we’re cleaning up after you

You goddamned selfish fucker

You’re never around when it’s convenient

You always slink away when things get heated

You leave and arrive with fresh needle holes

And the same red eyes

You goddamned selfish fucker

What the hell do we tell that boy?

What do we do with all of these pieces?

Where do we bury you,

You who died long before this.

You goddamned selfish fucker

I saved your note, by the way

I don’t know that I’ll ever read it again

It’s hidden in a box that houses many dark reminders

Of who I was, and who I’ll never be

You goddamned selfish fucker

For the love of Christ, Michael

What I’d give for another chance

To tell you how loved you’ve always been

You didn’t listen then, you can’t listen now

And I miss knowing you were breathing,

You goddamned selfish fucker