Comments by All Members
- "Very powerful write not a lot of people understand the hell that these soliders go through you captured the experience-Mrk"
Posted by Unknown on "Vietnam" by Steven86175
- "Indeed- I saw some V for Vendetta colors in there. The work's rhythm sounds like declamation, as if some leader is shouting those lines from a stage or before a battlefield. Just be careful with the your and you're- it paces down the reading. The game of words is smart, but the 'cool' adjective... I don't know, it diminishes the seriousness? "
Posted by Nimue44 on "Revenge - would like the poems flaws and pros" by Steven86175
- "I guess a lot of people would be shocked from reading this- but for atheists is not as shocking. I can suppose. It has a desperate, frantic, almost revengeful tone. Truth cannot be denied, and emotion reigns when you shout it, but it does not have a crystal clear line of thought of why do you believe that. I don't know if you intended to explain yourself, but I think I got the message."
Posted by Nimue44 on "The End- really need feedback" by Steven86175
- "The flow is solid in parts and precarious in others, but that does not necessarily take away from the message and feeling. I don't think this is shock poetry. This comes off, to me at least, as more of the utterings and mutterings of all the voices that tend to fall into line with some sort of religious faction or another. What I got from the piece is something of you touching on the flock mentality of either side and all of the factions in between. I am of no persuasion religiously...I used to joke about starting a cult I would call the "IDCC" (I Don't Care Cult) because I just honestly don't care about religion in any way, shape, or form--rather I believe that being a good person is simply something you do because it's right, and that it does not take the promise of a reward after death or a damnation afterwards, to be a good person. So, I see this piece as more of a commentary on the people that require structure and rules from outside influences in order to decide who they should be instead of just being who you are and saying shit on the public perception. There are a couple typos/grammatical errors within it, and perhaps it needs a wee bit of honing to help get the overall message across as several readers have mentioned getting lost in certain places while reading it. But, I think the general idea and execution for and of the piece is dynamic."
Posted by Amaryllis on "The End- really need feedback" by Steven86175
- "no, i read it all. honestly, i think it was pretty solid in flow right through the lines "And morality took a shot gun to the head and no one saw", right after that it devolved into kind of a rant that seemed more focused on shock value. i think if u ended with that first part it would be cooler, or at least kept it a little more subtle. if u r an atheist, why align yourself with the devil? to me, it seems like shock value. anyway, just my thoughts. "
Posted by TropicalSnowstorm on "The End- really need feedback" by Steven86175
- ""I've never felt so alive, until I was dying", that line on its own is just so poignant, even without the context of the piece as a whole, but the body lends well to the overall impact it has. It's unfortunate, that people find this to be the case, I've come to the crossroads of suicide with many of the same troubled thoughts...only I had the good fortune of making it back alive, if my life hadn't been touched in just the right way, I wouldn't be here leaving this comment. Thank you for bringing light to this sad reality."
Posted by lupus tenebrae on "In the end" by Steven86175
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