Decideratum

I know vague people. I know shallow people void of significance.
The element that we share seems to be a vital need
that goes unfulfilled, the quest
for that one illusive, crowning thing that would give us all ascendency.
We share stories of rapture and despair,
the roller-coaster we ride and ride again.

I know pleasure and I know pain.
I know boredom, inertia, & redundance.
I know them like the seasons.
I hate winter, the stillness of life
as in death.
I prefer the stimulating seasons, because they fill the senses.
I like to feel.

Having admitted that, I searched for
things and people that allowed me to feel only the most pleasant things.
Inevitably the delightful thing finds its antagonist.
As a child, I would lock away the pain and fear somewhere even I couldn't go.
As an adult, I put the key to the locked door of my mind
and explore and savor the darkness. Prostrate, mind and spirit, I know winter.

The marriage of pleasure and pain produced a dissipated spawn within my mind. There can be no beatification without anguish,
The union produces an intimacy aptly encountered at death.
This world prepares us for the ultimate physical, mental, and spiritual sensation. I don't know its name or its season,
I only know that I sense its presence, anticipating exquisite repugnance.