I'm My Own Worst Enemy
By Shadow_Kissed5180
I don't think I've ever made a truly personal entry on this site. I'm
just in an emotional battle with myself currently and feel like writing,
but don't have enough raw emotion to rhyme. Stop reading here if you're
not intersted reading about "just some girl with some issues" as someone
called me, and now I call myself.
Basically, I'm always fighting
with myself. I have wrestled with depressiion for as long as I can remember.
Well, in specifics since third grade, maybe earlier? I'm not sure anymore,
my mind just ain't what it used to be. I was on medications such as anti-depressants
and mood stabilizers, I stopped taking these on my own accord due to
how they made me feel less human. The emotions I felt, I felt were not
of my own. I'm not sure what to really type here. There's just so much
to say so that you, as the reader, can understand where I'm coming from.
Too much in fact.
Currently, I've taken up cutting again.
There's a future poem. I was under a lot of stress from schooling and
personal things. A blade has been the only thing to truly console me
throughout my short years on this earth. It still is the only thing actually.
When on my medication I had forgotten what it felt like to be
depressed. I forgot how depression is. I forgot how it will sufficate
you until you give into it and you fall and fall. Maybe you'll crash
into the concrete, but usually that what you pray for. Falling is the
worst. You feel yourself falling. But there's nothing to grab hold of.
There's no one to help you. You're lost and scared and alone. There is
nothing but darkness and this hollowness that fills you. Can you imagine
how scary it is to realize you once forgot what that was like?
It's back though. I'm falling and falling and there's nothing and no
one to stop it. I'm becoming numb and hollow again. My mood shifts constantly,
rapidly. The blade helps to calm me, and quells my silent fears. How
long can it do this though? Eventually I know it'll just make me feel
even more empty.
I'm just so sick and tired of this feeling.
But the feeling the medication gives me is worse. It's fake happiness.
That's a happiness I do not need. I do not want. In a sick and sad way,
I've fallen in love with my depression. I want to rid myself of it, but
when I did I felt like a piece of me was missing. I actually ... wanted
it back at that time in my life. And here I am, it's back. I don't want
it.
If you've read this far, just quit. I'm at the point
where I'm going to keep writing and rambling. This is just for me. However,
if you have nothing to do, please do keep reading. It'd be nice to know
someone wanted to.
I'm not trying to complain. I'm not trying
to grab your attention with my own personal struggle. Everyone has their
struggles. Some greater than others. Struggles are struggles though.
You know what? I lied. I'm done with this. I have but one more
thing to state. I am my own worst enemy. Want to know how so? I think.
I think and i think and I think. I think about death, life, love, hate,
madness, reality, fantasy, everything. I think and I think. I think about
so many things until everything relates to me and my life and my happiness
and all that stuff. I think until I drive myself insane. I'm my own worst
enemy. It is me, that has brought me to this point. It's been me all
along.
Comments on "I'm My Own Worst Enemy"
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A former member wrote:
I Liked this alot.
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On Wednesday, December 19, 2012, Shadow_Kissed5180
(24) wrote:
Thank you for taking your time to read this.