thursdays...how i miss them so

dear god,

what have i done?

why did you let me do it?

im not ready to meet my maker yet

and i dont want my destruction to come

everytime i love a new one

its like the same damn fucking thing

kiss the first day

fuck the next

leave me a month from now

im fucking sick of all this shit

i want to let all of my emotions go

with one single word

but i havent read the dictionary yet so your

gunna have to wait

i want to cry

i want to scream

i want to fucking kiss you again

why the hell do i have to feel bad

why do you get to feel so fucking great

i just want your arms around me again

i just want you to know how i feel

without letting it show

cuz if it some how seemed to seep through

this mask i force myself to wear

it would not only hurt me

it would hurt you

its not fair that i feel this way

dont you feel anything?

any hurt?

any love?

any sadness?

why is it only me??

i want you to read how i feel

i want you to feel how i think

i want you to breath the staggered breaths i have had to breathe

i want you to die like i have been murdered

i want you to scream the way i have been screaming in my head

i want you to be in my fucking shoes

i want you to try being me for a fucking day

trying to be happy

that your fucking happy

and its selfish i know

but how can i be happy

when only a week ago

you told me you would never go

why do you get to be happy

i want to try this new thing

called emotionless smiles

its been a whole week since i've smiled

its been four days since i've been held

its been two minutes since the last time i thought of you

its been two seconds since my heart stopped beating for you

and even now it beats in its depression

wanting only you....

i dont care if its selfish

i dont give a flying shit

if you dont care

its what my heart craves

and obviously

it doesnt get what it needs

its what i cant have

its what i never could

its only you

i've tried moving on

but its not fucking workin

how can you be so calm and so happy

not even care

dont say you do

because deep down you know you dont

dont correct me

dont interrupt me

dont lie to me

dont cheat me

dont hurt me

dont tell me

DONT FUCKIN say to ME IM GUNNA BE OFUCKINGK

it wont help and you know it wont

i told you to do it

just hit me with it

point blank

but my confession is

that i already knew

i already knew we were falling apart

already knew my love was fading from your heart

so i took those pills

and i took them dry

and no i wont

tell you why

dont try to explain

ill just cutt you off

cuz my dear this is your last goodbye

to my heart and this time

"i wont want you back in the end"

i think

silently as a tear rolls down my cheek

another love is forgotten

another piece of my heart

broken

another tear shed

another wish of being dead

another im worthless thought

another this will be gone soon

but no more i love yous

no more hugs

no more kisses

no more playful shoves

no more movies

no more scares

no more fabric left to tear

no more hands to wipe away..

the caked on makeup

the dried on tears

the worn off smiles

the hopeful feeling of no more fears

no more welcoming arms

to let me know i am loved

no more soft smiles and playful touse of my hair

to tell me that to him im still a little kid

no more daring thursdays

no more skilled escape tuesdays

no more tears

i try to tell my self...

but of course

it doesnt work

my heart tells me to take it slow

my head is still screaming

i told you so

i told you he was bad

like your cyniade

but ya know what

we had so much fun

i cant remember that much hurt...

just that im supposed to be crying

and movin on

not kissing

who ever tells me

that im loved

but i dont care what im SUPPOSED to do

in fact

i could give a rats ass

about the rules

and all this talk

about havin the right tools

im gunna rebuild my heart

the way i want to

im gunna fucking

wear it on my sleeve

give it to somone

who wont leave

if it gets dropped

jsut blow the dust off

and try somthing new

but everytime i kiss him

i think of you

everytime i am without him

i think of him and life without you

how my life has changed

how i still love you

but i love him too