When I see her now, a tear comes to me. The marble reflects the evening sun into my eye – blinding me I feel alone and empty without her… my Mum. You hear about it on the news how people die all the time, but you never take it in – you don’t think it will happen to you. You think they will be there forever… they’re not.
The days pass by without meaning or event until Christmas was upon us. As I prepared the house for Christmas cheer, I reminisced of times of yester year, the times when I was filled with joy. I would wake to find her sitting beside me, I struggle to come round to her voice and catch “… Santa’s been”. I would tear open my presents in a mad frenzy while she was looking on in satisfaction: as only a mother could. As the day wore on, and the presents lost their charm, we would gather in the firelight and talk. These are the moments you remember best, when you’re all together.
But when Christmas comes now; we just sit like mindless robots in front of “the box in the corner”. It is like something or someone is missing and no one wanted to talk about it… her.
As time moves along at a painstaking rate, the pain loses its edge as you come to terms with it. I try to remember her as the person she was day in and day out, but all I can remember was the person sitting in that chair – weak, fragile, so pale – dying. We all gathered around her near the time, I was oblivious to the situation – no one told me – she was ill but not dying. I was taken outside to play chess with my older brother – what were they saying inside that room? – Was it their goodbyes? I sit and wonder into the small hours.
I wasn’t a very spiritual person and I’m still not now, but if there is another place beyond this one and she is looking down on me as I write this, I would like her to know I’ll never forget.
But life does move on and from the dreadful day many things have happened. I have three new little brothers and a son of my own. I wonder if I had the choice would I sacrifice what I have now for what I had then.
It frightens me that one day I will be the one missing from the fire and I can’t hold it back. I guess… I know… that one day I will be gone and I will pass from this world into the next and we will meet again. Heaven is an eternity and I look forward to it with her… my Mum.