Yesterday i found out that a boy from my highschool died. It saddened me to think about how this must be affecting the people who loved him, and it even made me cry....twice. And i know this sounds weird/selfish/crazy, but i cant help but feel a little jealous of him. He doesnt have to deal with all this shit life brings us. Of course, he also will never have the chance to experience the things we take for granted everyday. Still, i wonder if these experiences are worth all the shit life puts us through.

Should we go through life being apathetic? Is that the only way to deal with all this pain...ignoring it? It seems i have found my own ways of doing so. Whether or not this will complicate my life in the future i do not know. I cant even make myself care.

I think, sometimes, my frustration with my own failures leads me to be angry towards people who do not deserve it. I am scared about my future, but at the same time i cant make myself fix whatever is wrong with me. It scares me a lot sometimes.