Shame and Despair

I wrote this on a thursday night, i was so upset and the pain was worse then most nights, i thought writing this would help, but it really didnt. the pain kept eating away at me, like my life wasnt good enough to live, as if i were just a girl that no one cared about and liek i had no reason to live anymore. pain like that is whut makes me hate living like this. id rather break all my bones then go thro that pain. its different when the problem is people, or events etc. u can take them out of ur life, avoid them whut ever it is that makes the pain stop. but with bipolar im cursed for life with it. it doesnt end. and never will. it sneaks up on me at the happiest of moments, or when my life seems to be hell enough already. even an emotion as strong as love cant fight it. i hate having to sit back and watch this decease take over my life.


My mind is filled with useless solutions and broken dreams
The closer I get to being happy, the harder it is to stop myself
Self-destruction had become a friend, the only one there whne i needed someone
I don't want to cry, just want to cut
It is so easy just to pick up a blade and slice my flesh
Watching the blood soothes me, but I hate seeing it
More than that, I hate when people see it

I don't know what to do
But what do you do, when there is no on left to call...
No one left to hold you, be the shoulder you long to cry on

My life is filled with fear of being alone
This feeling eats away at my heart and I often find myself falling for lust
Like a hooker I lay there hoping one day I'll find love
Hold back the tears and let a flirty smile shine through
I'm a slut for lust, willing to be used
Those moments of warmth and feeling wanted bring me joy
But joy doesn't last long when your alone

My heart is filled with nothing but broken feelings
Sitting here rocking back and forth I come back to reality
Remembering the temporary cures I used to have
Wishing I could drop everything for that one fix of peace
I hear myself being called upon by the blades and pills
Even a cigarette would be nyce tonight
The pain is worse when you let go of old habits

Oh please, someone, anyone tell me its ok
Let me know I'll make it through this
Hold me close, be my shoulder to cry on

My body is filled with scars that tell a story of a girl I used to know
I think she's lost again, blinded by her tears
As her hand reaches for the blade, the remains of her heart say no, don't let go
I think this story ends the other way, the way no one wants to hear
Despair wins this round, she wasn't strong enough this time
Tonight she cuts because she can't stop
Tonight the blade was the only one that loved her