Ayla

You can see everything you don't like in a person but if you feel something you do, it changes everything.

The term acceptance is something lost in our generation, people define acceptance by weighting the positives and negatives, determining a worth, and, "accepting" if the pro's outweigh the cons. I know this because I do the same.

My first statement, and the inspiration of this piece, is not visually pleasing. I say, "everything" twice, which in my mind depreciates it's value. Regardless, for once this does not bother me because of what I feel from it, doubtfully anyone else could feel the same, I know I do.

Recently, and shockingly I have a role model, and a surprising one. Not only is she a women, but a character on a show. It is slightly comforting knowing that her real personality and the one she plays for this role are next to near the same, but still, for me, this is a change. I have read so much about this women, her life, her choices, her feelings, and I, well, I am motivated by it. For the first time in a long time I feel motivated by something that is not material, strange as it may sound, it feels strong, my motivation feels strong.

I have been in a slump, I am holding on for dear life to anything and everything that can get me out of bed each day, I am using all I have to be who I want to be, and just that shear fact, that I am so determined to not be depressed, was depressing me inside so harshly that every waking moment felt like I was straining the very last bit of, "life" I had yet to offer. Any moment that gave me release is something I valued, and looked to recreate, naturally. With this in mind we'll go back to that role model, this women. I can't even begin to describe her, although undoubtedly I know, I have attributed this women to a perfection I now strive for in love and life, I feel right about it.

Regardless of all I've read and searched about the real her and the parallel's to her character in the show I am currently watching, I can't help but notice the things I don't like in her person. To skip the formalities the show has her in skin tight, revealing clothing 95% of the time, as this is part of the show. I notice things, things I notice in real people in my life, things that put me off, days that she doesn't shave off every little hair from her underarms or legs, a little more fat or cellulite then I am accustomed to in the girls I like, who aren't usually more then 105 pounds. I see imperfections in her smile, cheeks, I can find a imperfection in everyone, and everything. Yet, each and every time I see her I can't help but think how beautiful she really is, how incredible of a person she really is, and how much I want her attitude.

I wonder if this is what I've not found in everyone I've been with, the amounts of high caliber women with which it just couldn't work out, where something was always missing, something I could never figure out. It was acceptance, without weighing positives and negatives, just taking it as a whole. I like to think this is what love would be like, and realizing this helps me know I haven't found that one yet, and even more important haven't lost her. There are no guarantees to this theory, but for the first time in a long time, I'm not afraid it's already over, and I'm ready to find it, not fearful of how easily it is to lose, I can't let that fear stop me, and from now on, I won't.

I'm ready to do a lot more than just accept love, or someone entirely, I'm ready to live for myself, and this incredible young women has and is helping me more then she will ever know.

Orion