I'm big.
I'm fat.
I'm sweet as honey.
My hair is thin.
My eyes are runny.
It's gonna take a lot of money
for me to be a playboy bunny. 

I'll get the government to pay.
To take that god damn thing away.
Some Mary Kay.
A wrist array.
That would really make my day.

When I'm at the shopping mall
and I feel nature call
I try to find a private stall.
I don't like it seen at all.

Men see me on the toilet seat.
They all think I'm easy meat.
If they advance, I retreat.
Can't they see I've got big feet?

I've tried calling Doctor Drew.
Hypnotists.
I LEARNED KUNG FU!
I even grew a Fu Manchu!
What's a girl supposed to do?

I shaved my arms.
My legs.
My chest.
Did my hair up like Mae West.
Bought a rhinestone studded vest
and let my doctor do the rest.

He sliced right down the middle of it.
Turned it inside out and shoved it.
Left a little hair above it.
OMG!
The girls'll love it.

There's a brand new hole in me.
I stick my finger in it.
See?
I call it my "wannabe"
Finally.
I can squat and pee.