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so much time has drifted away
and how do i say what i need to?

years have run away from us
and we are older now

more scarred

i can only say that many nights over the years that have passed when it is very quiet and i am very alone
i ask myself

"Did I do the right thing?"

Because yes you were my soulmate in so many ways and yes i DID see it and NO you were not substandard or flawed or insufficient as i know i made you feel.

you touched me
you touched my body
GOD how you touched my body and the way i touched you, held you,
fucked you
so good, it was all so fucking good

and you laughed at my jokes not to be polite but because you understood them. how many times to how many ingnorant fucks must i stop and explain the premise, let alone the joke, and that is when i actually give a slight fuck about not offending them and do not just default to immediate, severe, and searing derision.
but
how many people would be sitting around with me watching the kids play Twisted Metal and not only understand the joke but laugh so hard when i said it looks like "Crystal Nacht"

and you understood the darkness in me
yet you saw the light
long long before i did you saw the light

i really needed someone like you and i hear your laugh so sweet in my ears sometimes
out of the blue
for no real reason
day or night

BUT

(and you have heard this part before)

It was all so fucking fast
cascading sex and emotion and more sex and companionship and commraderie and (did I mention how good the sex was?) and the kinship of an outsider, a fellow wounded being who had a good chance of SEEING me. Really fucking seeing ME. and then you said

"I Love You."

and i did not know what to do

so i weighed out the options and looked and wondered and thought it was best to cut and run. and i really fucked you up.

I knew how you felt but i never really KNEW until recently. enough years have gone by that you could show me something you never showed me before and i heard you. I read your words and I lived your pain and I saw for the first time how much you Love me. I saw for the first time how much i really had hurt you. That even though i knew I was not just another guy i never really KNEW it the way I should have.

because i never thought about it too damn much i guess. before i turned around twice, you were married, and in my head marriage is still bliss. Inside myself i know it is not really that way, but as a matrimonial virgin, i have my fantasies (and i should quite like to keep them intact thank you all very much)

but

we never did really talk about all the nights i have thought of you. we never really talked about the nights when i have thought of you, with the most wicked thoughts of you in my head
we never really talked about the times where i have heard your unique laugh in my head. Your laugh is so genuine, so pure. It is so you and it is so beautiful to hear, and when i thought of your laugh, i would wonder.

wonder if I was too hasty or too scared or too fucked up or too immature for my age. I would wonder if i made the right choice.

and i still do sometimes

sometimes when it is quiet and my mind is at ease and the billion fucking things an adult needs to concern himself with drift away for a moment and i can stop and reflect.... i will hear your laughter and wonder.......

but i cannot stay there very long. I did what i did you did what you did. you are where you are and i am where i am and there is no changing it. so i think on you for a little while about the night in the hotel where you pulled me by the hair and tried to make me lick my mess from your tits. Or when i would see you on campus at lunch time and we would chat. Or even about that old crazy hippie dude who hated me because he had such a crush on you. That gray haired, grateful dead listening too, hemp smoking, skeleton skinny, front tooth missing, walking the rat old Leon Mother Fucker.

and i would not tell this too anyone (like fuck i wouldn't)
but
on many of those nights
i find myself thinking of you
and touching myself

and it feels really
really
good