love.apprehension

And never had I been the girl
whose head tilted back to the sky
with hands clenching hairs
while mouth, throat, and lungs
joined forces to bellow words
proclaiming surrender.

No, I never was the girl to give up;
some stubborn notion that
eventually I would win and win greatly.
Some sky-rocketed, self-enforced self-esteem
that declared without a doubt,
I would find a way to get my way,
(and down that way I would go).

I never was the girl
to stop her footsteps from being stepped.
I never was the girl to halt with caution--
Instead, the girl who knew enough to know
that she should proceed with caution,
I was that girl. I was her.

But now, I am the woman…

Now I am the woman who freezes up
at the first sensing of possible love.

With goosebumped arms
and neck-hairs standing,
my eyes enlarge to tennis balls.
My heart’s merry pitter-patter
turns into a thud-thud-thud-[almost silence]
as I suddenly gasp what feels like
surely my last breath.

And I stand too frightened to move.



The becoming of this woman,
I blame on you.

Before you, the girl I was
moved along without a care;
she moved along without a worry.
She loved freely.
She loved openly.
She loved without a halt--
And now because of you,
her fear stops motion,
her fear stops steps,
and she is too afraid to love.

The girl who promised
she would rather love and lose
than to never love for apprehension of
lonely nights, cold beds, a sore soul
and a broken heart…. that girl
is now a woman with an unkept promise
because she would rather be safe than sorry.

It’s almost comical: before you,
safe meant the arms of a lover…
And now… it means no lover,
it means no love.

And she detests you for that,
she loathes you for that,
she despises you for that.

And because of that…
she’s scared like that,
she’s damaged like that,
she’s broken like that.

You broke me like that.



…Will I ever be fixed?



***It's probably not the best but this is the first poem I've written since Foretold.... ...I'm happy with it cuz I've been worried for a little over a year now that I had completely lost everything... my talent, my connection between my head and heart...

Sorry I've been sooooo absent. Hopefully I'm back, and I hope everyone's been happy and doing well within their lives.

-Jo