“Divagation”

I've got this pain...
not like the everyday "Ow! my head"
or
"oh shit I lost my arm"
no...
it's a pulsing,
stabbing,
shooting
all around devastating sort of a pain
you know
that ever searing pain of realization
uselessness
and affirmation of ones standing,

that is of course
supposing you stood anywhere to begin with

now don’t get me wrong,
I've had it before
brought about by the occasional picture, scent, or imagery

this emptiness
this void

its come and gone ever since I can remember...
but not like this

never like this

I don’t feel like me anymore
I don’t know who I am anymore
I don’t know why I’m here anymore

now mind you I haven’t lost my way
I’ve simply realized there is no way

not for me

a heart heavy with years of torment
grief
repressed emotion
unable to free myself from myself
and its here that it gets difficult

I suffer

everyday I’ve been on this earth I’ve suffered
and for one reason or another I’ll continue to suffer
by my own choosing perhaps

it’s in this way I’m trapped
in this way I’m lost
in this way I’m now unable to see who I’ve become

who I am

for who am I but the vague discrepancy in this
my former self
left helpless
listless
lifeless amongst the pages
lines
and letters of mankind’s worst achievements

"another failure in nature’s grand design"
as I so meticulously wrote so many years ago.

I look back
close my eyes
and try to forget what I've seen

some things should be forgotten
locked away in the dark recesses of reality
not just for yourself
but for everyone
everyone you'll ever see
meet
or hear from

fear is a virus
spread easily in many forms
so for this reason it should be locked away
along with hopes and faith

I once had faith in myself
but now I look only to find that my back is turned
for fear of finding the things I spent my whole life attempting to disguise.

some things shouldn’t be seen
shouldn’t be known

some things shouldn’t be

and lately

I’m beginning to feel that one of those things is me.