in the dark pit of self pity and loathing

it was a year ago
tonight
when we found out
about his diabetes

afterwhich
the realization
about the needles
and the diet
and the amputations
and the blindness
and the heart disease
and the kidney disease
and the life expectancy
all cascaded down
on these weary parental shoulders
burying me
in the dark pit
of self pity
and loathing

and hours and hours later
as I lay there
in bed
trying to get
just a hint
of sleep
I thought about how perfect he was
and how gentle he was
and how he loved to laugh
and tease
and mostly
how hard we'd tried
to keep the weight
of the world off his shoulders

when we came home
from the hospital
a few days later
and he asked
how long it'd be
before the injections
could end
my heart
ripped itself open

and never healed