Old Dan

The craziest man I ever knew
was Dan the 300 pound
one legged
biker.

He drove a cab
and always asked for
weekend nights
so when the bartenders called
to take the drunk girls home
he'd have an easier time
having his way with them.

Two women
with the same story
went to the cops
about a fat guy cabby
with wet hands,
and old Dan
ended up
in jail.

His defense,
which was
strangely clever
in a
sociopathic
kind of way,
was that
he was simply too fat
to be able
to get
a blow job
from them lying bitches
while seated
in a car,
and
he could
and would
easily demonstrate
that fact
at trial.

Three chest pain
hospitalizations
and two lawsuits later,
his complaint
that the wheelchair
which wouldn't fit through
the jailhouse doors
was discriminatory
finally wore them down,
and he was released
to electronic monitoring.

On the day of the pretrial conference,
after he failed to appear
the probation guy went out
and found a note
saying something about
getting a new kidney
tucked underneath
the perfectly intact ankle bracelet
they apparently attached
to his artificial leg.

Eight months later
after getting caught in Pennsylvania
he finally showed up
in shackles
and pled guilty
for a seven year sentence.

That was years ago,
though I saw him the other day
in some kind of hearing,
on whether he was
a sexual predator or not,
still fighting hard
and crazy as ever
ranting and bitching
from the witness stand
about how bad he'd been screwed
by the fucking public defender.