The Reason I Became An Insomniac [A Letter To Scott]

I thought back to when my insomnia all began
Before sleeping became something I didn't understand
I realized it all started when you left this life
And dreaming came to me as sharp as a knife
All the nightmares which flooded my vision
Of you with the gun standing in the clearing
I'd run to you but I could never make it in time
Each ending to the dream was you still dying
So after a while I grew scared to fall asleep
I developed a fear to drift into a dream
So hense insomnia became my disease
As protection against the dreams haunting me
Your face the second before you died
That one last glimpse of life in your eyes
It was all too much for me to take
And only worsened my heart's ache
The dreams made my misery
Weigh down upon me more heavily
And I woke up crying silently to myself each time
Fresh from the thoughts of your fatal suicide
Til finally I just refused to sleep another night
Semi- tranquilness returned within my sight
It was more than beautiful
And I was finally back in control
I'm still scared to sleep sometimes, even just a little
So my nights are still as restless as my burdened soul
Even though I don't think I'd have the "dream" anymore
I still can't shrug off the fear of it and ignore
The fact that you're not here and you're never coming back
Nothing I say will put things onto the right track
Never again will I witness your smiling face
Your laughing eyes and equisite grace
Never again will I hear your beautiful voice
Or have the chance to talk you out of that choice
That fatal decision, suicide's unbearable grasp
The hold it took on your soul will forever harass
And haunt my weary heart and mind
Because I was too stupid to notice the signs
Or the look you held within your eyes
The change of note in your voice I didn't realize
I will never shake away the memory of your death
Scott, you'll be with me until I breathe my own last breath
And I hope you can hear me and see these words I write
As I sit with insomnia and a pen each and every jaded night.

--*--

Nearing 10 months and I still miss you so much Scott Matthew Ellenberger. 9-23-04 RIP [you are forever my wonderwall]