if not for the little one inside
i wouldn't be ashamed
i might even open this door again
invite you in
but somehow things have changed
these cigarettes and blood stains never seemed
so promising
heartfelt regret can't cover
for a lifetime of forgetting
and it's not as though
you tried to make believe
these days weren't fleeting

but i've given in to worse than this
and tasted more than my fair share
of failure
and then who am i to judge?
when i'm the one who
gave you death for free
it never was for me to say
...wouldn't have mattered any way
"i'm just humouring myself
that my opinion matters"
but we both know
that when i'm "out of sight..."
the saying goes

so it's not a search for acceptance
that led me here
asking questions of a handful of pills
that refuse to offer answers
it isn't understanding that i seek
just a mind-numbing calm complacency
a little innocent forgetfulness
in place of the apology
i know will never come