To Love or Give Up on First Love

To My First Love,

First I need to say that this letter is long, and I am writing you everything as it comes to me, so some may not make sense. So bare with me.

I have also thought of you sooo much. I think of you every night. I imagine what I'd be doing if I was out there with you now. Nothing's going right and everythings a mess. I can't sleep especially now that I have a big bed. I don't move because I got used to sleeping next to you. I miss you snoring, I miss you yelling at me to turn off the TV. I miss you holding me in your arms. I can't sleep every night. Every night I think of you and it drives me crazy! I haven't slept in 3 days. I feel so lonely. I think of you everytime it snows, everytime I pass by Macy*s, everytime I go to Co-op City, everytime I see a Bx31, and Bx4 bus. Everytime I get on the train. Everytime I hear Metallica. Every time I go shopping, I find myself still buying you things. Sometimes I want to kill myself because I don't want to think anymore. I don't want to be sad. I miss you, I miss my sister and it's too much for me to handle. I haven't slept good in months. I have been awake for 3 days. I can't sleep. I always think of you when I lay in bed. Even in my dreams I am thinking of you. I dream of you when I sleep. The dreams feel so real, and then I wake up no longer than 10 mintues later and I can't sleep again. I MISS YOU. Everything around me makes me think of you. I've written so many letters for you but I don't mail them because I didn't think you care anymore. Everything is so messed up, without you I don't know what to do. What are you doing, where are you? What happened? That's all I ask in my letters. I am so lost without you I feel like I can't live at all.

Everything was okay with me at first but now my sister is gone. I felt like you weren't, there for me. Then I just got angry because I remembered how you were there for Amanda when her grandma was dying more than me while my sister was dying, and then I didn't want to talk to you. But who am I kidding I can't go on forever mad at you. I do love you. That's another thing I realized that everytime you talked to me, you wouldn't say I love you so I figured you found someone else, but I didn't ask because I didn't want to know. To be honest sometimes I hated you because I realized that I was never happy in Florida except when I slept with you at night. And you know why? Because that was the only time I had you all to myself. Nothing would get in the way of me sleeping next to you. No work, no friends, no family, no girls, no Amanda, no nothing. It was just me and you, Liana and Victor. That's when I was happiest. Laying on your chest, listening to your heart beating, watching you sleep, I was so happy until morning when you'd leave me..

Where the fuck did we go wrong? what the hell happened? We were supposed to be together, we were supposed to get married, and we never did. You were I all I wished for and all I dreamed and now I don't know what we are anymore. You asked me what are you to me? You know what you are. You are my first love, the one I wanted to be with forever. Now I am not even sure. Before I left I gave you one last chance to marry me and you said no. I guess I am glad that you are relieved to be alone, but I am not relieved. I am miserable, crying my eyes out everynight THINKING OF YOU, remembering everything we have been through. - You know that one December 23rd, we are going to know each other for 6 YEARS! Then in February we are supposed to be together for 5 YEARS ! You know, this is our first Christmas apart? No body ever said it would be easy, but no one ever said it would be this hard. My heart is broken into so many pieces, I can't put it together. I don't know how.

Part of me felt that some how you would figure away to be here for me when Tania died. That's the first time that I ever really really needed you here, but you weren't. I can't believe that I have been there for you all these years, but you can't be here for me now. I'm crying here and no one can wipe away the tears. Baby I lost two people in my life- I lost my sister, and I've lost you.

I know I said that I would go back to be with you, but I can't. I can't leave my family again. I can't live so far away. My parents need me. When my sister died I saw daddy crying for the first time ever in my life. He held me so close to him like he never did before. I have to be strong for them and I don't know if I can. I can't even be strong for me. You don't know how alone I feel inside. I want to fucking die, but I can't because I don't want to ever have my dad cry again. I am all he has. No matter what I do its never good enough, no matter what I am not good enough for you or anyone. I can't do anything right. I can't get a job. I can't get into a regular school. I can't make anyone proud. Finishing high school wasn't good enough.

I don't know what to tell you. I want to be with you but I don't see how it can happen. You are out there doing your thing, and I am just stuck here in limbo. If we break up, that's almost 5 years gone. I wish things could have happened so much differently. I don't know if we should try to save the relationship anymore or just let it go. We had so many talks on the phone about one day living out on our own, but all of that seems so far away from us. I guess it was too good to be true after all we've been though, we are back here again evaluating our love. I don't want to say goodbye to you. In my opinion I don't believe that anybody can feel the way that I do about you. I'd love to just hold you one more time. If I could turn back time, I'd still be there with you. I don't know how we ever let it slip away. It's funny how time goes, and everything goes with it in the blink of an eye. I miss all the things that didn't seem to mean a thing. There are so any things that I'd like to say to you, but I don't know how. You know as much as I love you, I can't change my life for you again. I am always walking after you, everytime you've walked out on me. I've walked after you, and this time I just can't. Circumstances are different and make it difficult for me. But I just can't imagine us not being together. How can I live without you? I don't know what the future brings but I hope that you are in it. I know you are so far away but I hope we get to spend our life with eachother, I will love you all my life. I don't know if it's right to love you or not but I do. I don't want to leave you but I don't know what to do, I can't take it, I don't understand anymore. I wish I could always be yours. Like Romeo, and Juliet; It's always been Liana & Victor, always. I miss you being in your arms, I miss you kissing me every morning before you go to work. I miss you.

Love,
Liana Marie Collado