3AM

Suddenly my mind turns away from distractions
away from this false  happiness I call life
without warning there you are again 
coming out of the dark recesses of my mind

The memory of you still fresh with despair 
I try to push you away back
back to that dark cell within  my mind
where you can do no harm 
where you do not plague me with haunting memories
with faded images of what could have been.

Why now?
why must I be tormented so
I have slaved to forget you 
because remembering is so excruciating 

It hurts because I still love you
I loved you when you said the words that ended what could have been 
I needed you after we lost our child not yet born
I still loved you after you embraced another man's desire
and the same night warmed my bed and accepted my love
I loved you through everything but it was not enough

Threse past years I have given everything that I am
looking over every mistake and every sign
that the present was fast approaching
so that must make me the one to blame

A life was lost without knowing the joys of the world
yet the only happiness I can now draw 
is that she will also never have to feel the despair of existence
only hope that another life may be created got me through
now that  hope is dashed
you are sharing another man's dream
and I do not know if I can make it through.

As I notice the date October 27th I realize why these memories have broken free
I remember our daughter yet unborn
I remember 2 years ago this would have been the day of her birth
the day I did something to be proud of
the day I would have been a father

But instead I lay here holding myself 
trying to restrain the brine threatening to leak from my eyes
lying here trying to push these memories back into their dark corner
I lay here cold, alone, feeling only the longing for things that could have been

I lay here
No hope for the future
No one to hold
And no hope of seeing the sun rise.