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to quell this empty hunger
By not an addict
We're drinking the color from black and white films again,
and we keep coming up wanting.
There isn't a stage of this game I haven't memorized.
By and by, I see how much the reflection is changing,
but repetition was always better the second time,
and I am the great King of
Nothing.
Sometimes I wonder why I feel the need
to be loved by strangers.
It's this complete addiction,
to have someone look me in the eyes with that... hunger
and not have any fucking clue who I am.
See, I've lost the insecurities.
Discarded all the anger, remembered how to breathe.
But for all the rebuilding,
she is still gone.
And I try, every night, to fill this hole...
Making as many people love me as I can
every night of my life.
So far... nothing.
And I wonder sometimes exactly what it's going to take
to get back to that place
where I am whole.
Next month is two years since she left this world.
Two. Fucking. Years.
You'd think I would be moving on by now.
I've got worlds on my fingertips
and I dance myself into the ground
every night, every single night.
And all the pretty faces... are just faces.
I want to make them more.
Want them to matter.
I'm not even stuck on wanting her back...
Death is pretty final, I get that. Really.
I just want to want someone
like I wanted her...
want to be completely devoured by another human,
pour myself into them and forget these stale imitations,
forget broken glass and boundless silence
and the saddest gravesite that ever entombed an angel
and all the failed stories that led me to where I am,
right now.
I am loved.
I am healthy.
I am surrounded by beautiful people
that do their best to make me smile.
I know these things...
And I do smile. All the time.
That should
be enough... shouldn't it?
I feel like I am being selfish,
like I am asking for more than I deserve,
more than the world is willing to give me.
It already gave me everything I could ever need
once...
but then it took her back.
And I am so very tired of pretending.
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Ask the author first.
Copyright 2010 not an addict
Comments on "to quell this empty hunger"
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On Monday, September 13, 2010, Beautiful Incidental
(39)
wrote:
i can feel every word of this. when you find that place that makes you feel whole again, please share the directions. it's been three years for me.... keep writing, as this (even in the midst of your suffering) is inspiring...
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A former member wrote:
Those last few lines say it all... how cruel to be given an angel and to know her love, then have her taken away, everything else left only to pale in comparison... it never stops hurting. I ache for you, stranger. I knew an angel once, too. This is beautiful and familiar and so very intimate. Forgive my boldness. I think it is better (even though I often disagree with myself) to have known such beauty and lost it... than to have been ignorant all along. You are not selfish. You are suffering. There's quite a difference. I just hope you don't become so wrought with grief that you rob yourself of happiness. That would be a tragedy. Happiness is a decision, after all. ...Thank you for sharing this. It's exquisite.
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On Thursday, November 15, 2012, not an addict
(45) wrote:
I never dignified this comment with a reply. That was selfish of me; it meant more to me than I could ever say. For what it's worth, I did find my way, and life is again beauty, manifest. Happiness is a decision, indeed... But thoughts like the one you gave me were half the reason I was ever able to decide again. Here's hoping you had a similar recovery, because the world is a dark enough place without people like you who strive to remind others of its beautiful light. Thank you, so very much.
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A former member wrote:
"I've lost the insecurities. Discarded all the anger, remembered how to breathe.But for all the rebuilding, she is still gone." this is so beautiful..so full of pain, i feel almost intrusive reading it. i feel intrusive commenting on it, but i wanted to let you know that this truly touched me.
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